About week or so ago, I read the status update of my 13 year old son's girlfriend. She basically said she wasn't going to put up with violence in a relationship. In a semi-panic, I commented "Please tell me Bert is not acting like his dad. Please call me."
Within minutes, I was on the phone with her & she explained what had happened. By the time she finished, I felt like throwing up. I have always prayed that this day would not come. The day when I would discover that one of my boys would display the dark, violent traits of their father.
Over six years ago, I left Erik because I was in fear for my life. I thought he was going to kill me. So I knew the terror of being told "You're not going anywhere." Being pushed, shoved, slapped, held down, and everything else you can possibly imagine. Jewel is fourteen & my son is 13 years old. He is only thirteen years old. I cannot fathom what he will be like by the time he is 18 year old.
I love my son but I am so disappointed. Not just in him but most of all in myself. I feel responsible. I feel responsible because of what he had to see when Erik & I were together. I feel responsible because I did not leave when it started...because I stayed as long as I did...that I did not leave before it was too late. Too late for him to not think that it was okay to put hands on girls. Hell, put hands on anyone - male or female.
Today I found out that Robbie got punched in the face for putting hands on Jewel...by Lesilei, the girl across the street. While I am glad someone put him in his place, it makes me sad too.
I have a feeling that this will somehow end up being my fault. That if I hadn't made Erik hit me...if I'd have just kept my mouth shut...Robbie wouldn't be in the predicament he found himself in today. That is what I have been told for years now.
I am not sure if children really inherit these traits from their parents, but it is obvious that the patterns are passed down. There are many factors that contribute; however, I feel that culture, ethnicity and gender steered my son in this particular direction, as did his father & I. And I feel ashamed and humiliated all over again.
"Up to 10 million children in the U.S. are exposed to domestic violence annually. Boys that are exposed to domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their partners as adults...Because violence is a learned behavior, the cycle continues to the next generation unless it is stopped."
The boy that got clocked today for putting his hands on his sweet beautiful girlfriend a couple of weeks ago...that boy is my child. And, God help him, but he is just like his father.
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