Sins of the father...

About week or so ago, I read the status update of my 13 year old son's girlfriend. She basically said she wasn't going to put up with violence in a relationship. In a semi-panic, I commented "Please tell me Bert is not acting like his dad. Please call me."

Within minutes, I was on the phone with her & she explained what had happened. By the time she finished, I felt like throwing up. I have always prayed that this day would not come. The day when I would discover that one of my boys would display the dark, violent traits of their father.

Over six years ago, I left Erik because I was in fear for my life. I thought he was going to kill me. So I knew the terror of being told "You're not going anywhere." Being pushed, shoved, slapped, held down, and everything else you can possibly imagine. Jewel is fourteen & my son is 13 years old. He is only thirteen years old. I cannot fathom what he will be like by the time he is 18 year old.

I love my son but I am so disappointed. Not just in him but most of all in myself. I feel responsible. I feel responsible because of what he had to see when Erik & I were together. I feel responsible because I did not leave when it started...because I stayed as long as I did...that I did not leave before it was too late. Too late for him to not think that it was okay to put hands on girls. Hell, put hands on anyone - male or female.

Today I found out that Robbie got punched in the face for putting hands on Jewel...by Lesilei, the girl across the street. While I am glad someone put him in his place, it makes me sad too.

I have a feeling that this will somehow end up being my fault. That if I hadn't made Erik hit me...if I'd have just kept my mouth shut...Robbie wouldn't be in the predicament he found himself in today. That is what I have been told for years now.

I am not sure if children really inherit these traits from their parents, but it is obvious that the patterns are passed down. There are many factors that contribute; however, I feel that culture, ethnicity and gender steered my son in this particular direction, as did his father & I. And I feel ashamed and humiliated all over again.

"Up to 10 million children in the U.S. are exposed to domestic violence annually. Boys that are exposed to domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their partners as adults...Because violence is a learned behavior, the cycle continues to the next generation unless it is stopped."

The boy that got clocked today for putting his hands on his sweet beautiful girlfriend a couple of weeks ago...that boy is my child. And, God help him, but he is just like his father.

The jokes on you, DICKHEAD!!!

Six years. Or 52,608 hours...which is equivalent to 3,156,480 minutes...or 189,388,800 seconds. My life changed on April 1, 2006. Of course I did not know, at the time, that it would eventually be for the better. It has been a long journey over approximately six years to figure that part out.

On April Fool's Day in 2006, Erik married Michelle in Tahoe. For most of the next 6 years, I was in suspended animation. I pretty much kept thinking that Erik would eventually call me and say "April Fool's!!!" And everything would go back to normal. Today is the first time that I have not woken up hoping he'd call...wishing for my phone to ring...just so I could hear those words from his mouth.

If anyone would have told me that one day I'd be happy without him, I would have told them they were crazy. But now that I am happy, I can look back and say that the only crazy person was me. See, I wasn't happy without Erik but I sure as fuck wasn't happy (or anything remotely close to it) with him. I had know that for years. We weren't nice to each other. We were both miserable. So I left. And was miserable still.

I think I thought that I needed to be with him because if I was going to be miserable, at least I could be miserable with him. I was used to that. But I wasn't used to being alone and miserable. That was something I couldn't deal with. For a while I thought everything he said to me was true. Who was going to want me? I had all these kids (even though they weren't with me) and who was going to want a woman with six kids? Not that I wanted someone to take care of my kids because they have a father (yes, he is a sorry one but he is their dad) but if you hear something enough you start to believe it. And I did...I believed that no man was going to want me and no matter how many people told me how pretty, smart, loving I was none of that mattered because I couldn't shake how depressed I had become because our relationship ended.

I am not sure when or how I came out of the fog that surrounded me in re: Erik. I don't recall a moment in time where the light bulb went off over my head to let me know that I was going to be okay. That one day I would meet someone who would love and cherish me. That there was someone out there who would protect me and never hurt me physically or mentally like Erik did. Even though I believe in Prince Charming and Happily Ever Afters, I had seriously started to think I'd never live to see either. But I have.

My days of waiting to hear the phone ring and Erik's voice say "April Fool's!!" are over. At least in the way I wanted to hear it. It is a joke that I thought that's what I wanted to hear for the past six years. It is a joke that I continued to give him that time - on top of everything else that I gave him - to hurt me. But you know what? The jokes on him.

Because I have someone that loves and cherishes me...someone that wants to protect me and tells me everyday how lucky he is to have me...someone that doesn't abuse mentally or physically...and that someone is sitting just a couple of feet away from me right now. I have someone who shows me everyday what love is...not what it isn't.

It's been six years...more if you throw in the actual amount of time Erik & I were together. But I'm done. It is over...for real this time. Really truly over.
Thank God.

How sweet is this?I

I don't have much time today to blog but I just had to post this pic and let everyone know how awesome my boyfriend is...HE TOTALLY ROCKS! When I got off BART & into his truck last night, the beautiful roses you see above were waiting for me. They're so freakin' pretty - pink & yellow. Never seen roses that color before. He is so sweet to me I almost can't stand it!

I've been disappointed so much in the past few years that I had almost forgot what it felt like to actually be in love. I was beginning to think there is no such thing as Prince Charming and that fairy tales were just...well a figament of my imagination. You know, just plain BULLSHIT. Of course I wanted so much to believe in love and all but I was beginning to get sour.

Thank God I held onto that little glimmer of hope. He may not have galloped up on a white horse (or a surfboard) but he's here. And he's helped restore my faith in human nature.

Thank you so much, Albie! I love you!!

Peace out 2011...Bring it 2012!!!

Well I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we survived New Year's Eve & we both looked HOT!!! But the bad news is we didn't take any photographs. At least I didn't. Of course there are a couple pics that other people took of him and posted. I, on the other hand, was not photographed. Haters. I'm not surprised.

We managed to get home by midnight. In fact, someone (who shall be nameless) was puking on the way home. But I had him tucked in with barf bowl by 11:59pm. He was snoring by the stoke of midnight. I exchanged "Happy New Years!" with his two boys before crawling into bed around 12:05am.

No pics of me in my the outfit that for once wasn't slutty but actually understated and somewhat elegant. Basic black skinny slacks & black sleeveless cowl necked top. I didn't have a wonderbra on so my boobs weren't in 3D. We both had matching alien pendants. Mine on a silver choker. His was pinned to his green/black striped tie. My sexy lingerie - new bra, panties, garter belt w/thigh highs - would have to wait for another time. Believe it or not, I am okay with that.

I didn't think I had really drank all that much on NYE but at around 4:30am when Al woke up to pee and throw up again, I woke up too. Only this time, I had an excruciating headache behind my right eye. Couldn't fall back to sleep for nothing. I still kind of have a headache. But I guess all in all my New Years went off without a hitch. I had the best date ever...I met a lot of his friends...I even got to see him sing two songs. The highlight of that was when he came over to me and yelled "This is Norma...she's my girl!" or something just as embarrassing. I actually blushed...imagine that. :)

Anyways my sweetheart is in Clear Lake visiting his grandma so today I'm gonna chill with Dizz-nizzle for a little bit. I've got to work tomorrow til Wednesday morning. I'm probably start working nights soon. More money. Weekends free with my kids & my honey.

I don't know about you but 2012 is looking pretty good so far!!!