I think it's about 35-40 years too late...

I am 41 years old. My parents divorced when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I don't really have any memories of them actually being married except for the ones I'd rather forget - the sound of someone being hit, sitting on the counter while my mom burned little pieces of paper on the stove and cried (found out later they were phone numbers), driving at night and playing by the light of the instrument panel of my mom's VW bug as we drove through the desert to my Aunt Emma's house in Phoenix. Needless to say, my dad was not around much after we left.

After we left him for good, he found God. I can recall telling my mom that he was different, he had changed. If she would just give him a chance to prove it to her. But she stood her ground. She would not take him back. I can count on one hand the number of times my dad came around after they divorced. I honestly don't think he has never been in my life for longer than a couple months at a time...and that's a kind estimate.

When I was 14, he married my stepmother Maribel. A year or two later, my stepbrother Sal came from El Salvador to live with them. My dad basically raised Sal. Treated him better than he ever treated me. There was nothing he wouldn't do for Sal...nothing. Was I hurt or angry? Yes. But not at Sal. At my dad. See he could never be a good dad to me but he was the best father to my brother. And that hurt...I was his flesh and blood but he didn't really give a shit about me.

Obviously, I have a lot of resentment towards my dad.

When I was 33 years old, I had to go into a residential drug/alcohol program. Part of my recovery, was cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically I had to relive the past...write about it...tell the people in my life (Erik, my parents, gramma, the ex in-laws) what they had done to me by writing them letters then reading them out loud in group.

I had to write an anger letter to my dad as well as a forgiveness letter. I wrote them both. Although he asked me if he could read them, I never let him see either of them. But writing them helped me a great deal. It was weird but before I was given those assignments, he had called on my phone night and asked me if I was with Erik to get back at him. I remember thinking WOW he's tripping hard. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. I thought he was off his rocker. But later that night, I realized something. Erik was a lot like my dad. And while I may not have done it intentionally, my subconscious had picked someone exactly like my dad used to be. The thought made me feel sick to my stomach. Especially since I also realized that I was doing all the same things that my mom done...things I swore I would never do. Take for instance the way I always felt like my mom chose her boyfriends/husbands over me. I did the same thing. Except worse. My mom did her best but of course I didn't realize that until I had children of my own. I was far worse. In fact, I was so fucked off because of Erik that my world revolved around him...only him. And my children suffered because of it.

But this isn't about me though I'm sure I'll end up blogging about that at some point in the future. So back to my dad, we have pretty much been estranged for more than two thirds of my life. Probably more. Until about a year ago, I hadn't spoke to him since 2004. Over the last few months, there have been a couple of times that he's sent me messages or ims about pictures I've got posted on my facebook page. That I need to take them down and not post certain things. Take, for instance, the im I received tonight. He went off on me because I left a comment on Shelly's page in re: to a status update in which she mentioned Robert Downey Junior. I wrote "Julian gives good head". Here is what he said to me: "Norma do you have to use language like "Julian gives good head" have you forgotten you have kids , brothers and a father that may be embarrassed that people are reading this and that it is coming from someone they love? Please try to stop . I'm really disappointed with the way you are expressing yourself." I was thinking WTF?! What business is it of his what I write to Shelly. I wrote back "It's a line that was in a movie." RDJ played Julian in Less Than Zero. One of my favorite movies. As a matter of fact, I'd just watched it with Scott and Jessica last week. But who gives a shit? I mean really...I am an adult and I can write whatever I want to whomever I choose.

While I can understand where he's coming from, I am a bit put off. Where was he when I was growing up? That's when I was becoming the person I am today. I've always been outspoken...maybe because he wasn't there. I do things the way I want to. A few months back, when he first scolded me for something I posted, I took down a few things.

In doing so, I wasn't being me. Yes, I've got kids and a dad and two brothers. But I am who I am. My kids know me. They are not embarrassed by me or what I write. And even if they are, they love me anyway. But besides all that, my facebook is setup in a way that prohibits them from seeing certain adult type things on my page. But even if they could see all my stuff, I wouldn't change or take down anything anyways. Why should I stop being me? Because my dad doesn't like how I turned out?

I am not going to stop being me because all of a sudden my dad wants to be one. Because, as he put it, he is "really disappointed" with me. HA! I'm sorry to hear that. I don't think he wants to get me started about being disappointed. Because to be honest, I really don't think he's going to like what I have to say.

I don't think I'm wrong. I listened to what he had to say and I'm sorry he's disappointed. However, all I have to say about that is this:

If you don't like it, don't read it. It's that simple.

Jane McClain: A letter to Susan

I came across this last night when I was surfing the net:

http://janemcclain.blogspot.com/2010/09/letter-to-susan.html

It struck a chord. It struck one that most of the time I don't care to remember. Most of the time...

As I read her post there were tears streaming down my face. I, too, could relate. She wrote about being attacked face to face and about Susan's doing it from behind. I could relate because DICKHEAD attacked me face-to-face...from behind...from the side...from the top and even from the bottom.

I can remember the shock and disbelief as DICKHEAD's face contorted and the veins bulged from his forehead and neck while he sat on top of my chest choking me til my lips and fingertips went numb. I can remember thinking this is what it feels like to die as I wet my pants before I blacked out. I can recall waking up on the opposite side of our house and wondering how I got there and thinking maybe it had been some kind of bad dream. I can remember sitting up and looking around for DICKHEAD...finding him sitting on the ottoman in the shadows of the darkened room a 30 ott (sp?) six across his lap and a pistol on each knee. I remember feeling like I was going to puke as he snarled "Whoever comes through that door is gonna die, Linda. He's getting shot and then I'm going to beat the fuck outta you then I'm gonna kill you then I'm killing myself." I remember glancing toward the door and the absolute horror I felt as I saw he had nailed the door shut.

Yes, I could relate. The anguish I felt knowing that I was going to die...and that the man I'd lived with and loved for almost 9 years...that he was going to be the one to do it. Terror does not even begin to scratch the surface of me "relating" to Susan and Jane.

This is an experience no amount of time or therapy will erase...I glimpsed an anger so toxic, so dark and reckless......it was as if the devil himself were standing there preparing to devour me.

No amount of time or therapy nor could all the meth in the world ever erase any of it. My life turned upside down when I started dating DICKHEAD. It was turned upside down then back and so on and so on until I decided to walk away. In the process I lost my children too. He had convinced me to sign over the boys to his parents; they have temporary guardianship. He pretty much has no rights to them. Even less that I due to his record; however, nothing ever changed for him. Since the court order states it's up to his parents' discretion, he has always had access to the boys for the past 5 years. Whereas I've had to fight and struggle for the time I spend with them.

Jane was right when she said we won't ever get over it but we will get through it.

The past 5 years have been tough. So tough that there were many times I felt like throwing in the towel. But throwing in the towel would be the easy thing to do. Not only that, that is exactly what he expects me to do. And I'm not giving him what he wants. Not anymore. For nine years, I gave him everything I had. He took my pride, my self-worth, my energy, and my strength. He took my family and my friends from me. He let his parents take our children from me while he almost robbed me of all my self-esteem...almost.

Reading Jane's blog post and hearing about Susan is helping me heal. Which is probably why I wrote this. I'm not sure if anyone will read it or if it'll make a difference. But hopefully it will. I think back to all the times I'd felt alone...too many times to count. I hope that maybe one day someone in my shoes will come across this post...and know that all isn't lost. That there is hope and a better life somewhere down the road.

Thank you, Jane and Susan.

Maybe...

Maybe...God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe...when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe...it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe...you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.

Maybe...there are moments in life when you miss someone - a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child - so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Maybe...the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe...you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day; a smile followed by “hi!” usually does the trick.

Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart. But, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe...you shouldn't go for looks; for they can be deceiving. Don't go for wealth; for that can be gone in a flash. Go for someone who makes you smile, because all it takes is a smile to make a dark day seem bright. So find the one that makes your heart smile.

Everything Happens For A Reason...

Sometimes people come into your life

and you know right away that they were meant to be there.
 

They serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson,

or help you figure out who or who you want to become.

You never know who these people might be;

your roommate, your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover,

or even a complete stranger who,
when you lock eyes with them,
you know that very moment

that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things will happen to you

and at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair,

but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles

you would have never realized

your potential, strength, will power of heart.

Everything happens for a reason.

Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck

Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness

and sheer stupidity

all occur to test the limits of the soul

Without these small tests,

if they be events, illnesses or relationships,

life would be like a smooth, paved, straight, flat road to nowhere -

Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life

and successes and downfalls you experience,

they are the ones who create who you are.

Even the bad experience can be learned from

Those lessons are the hardest

and probably the most important ones...

If someone hurts you, betrays you

or breaks your heart...forgive them,

for they have helped you learn about trust

and the importance of being cautious

to whom you open your heart;

If someone loves you,

love them back unconditionally,

not only because they love you

but because they are teaching you to love

and opening your heart and eyes

to things they never would have seen or felt without them

Make everyday count

Appreciate every moment

and take from it everything you possibly can,

for you may never again be able to experience it again

Talk to people you have never talked to before,

and actually listen,

let yourself fall in love,

break free and set your sights high.

You can make your life anything you wish

Create your own life and then go out and live it.

I wish you the best in all your endeavors

as well as struggles in life

 Have a fighting spirit

and never hesitate to get back in the struggle.

- Author Unknown

Attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.

It is more important than appearances, giftedness, or skill.

It will make or break a company, a church or a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes.

Mother Theresa said it best...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; 
Forgive them anyway.
 
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
 
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and make some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
 
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
 
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
 
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
 
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
 
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
 
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.