NICOLE CAROL MILLER
March 4, 1980 - September 11, 2001

 

"You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

 - David Harkins

Once Upon A Time...

A couple of months ago, my cousin messaged me on facebook and said he wanted me to meet someone. It had been almost 2 months Steve Rengel dumped me and I wasn't exactly keen on the opposite sex; however, I knew that the only way to get over Steve was to date someone else. Ordinarily I wouldn't give anyone Kenny put in front of me the time of day but I was bored and did a little I-SPY on facebook. The guy was actually good looking...and, after perusing his profile with a fine tooth comb, I came to the conclusion that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

It wasn't a bad idea at all. In fact, it was just what I needed.

The Goods came blazing into my life with flowers on our first date...he opened doors...showered me with compliments...and most important, he made me laugh. He treated me with respect and called me his "Princess". He has treated me the way I deserve to be treated and for the past 2 months, everything has been almost too good to be true...until today.

This afternoon I sent him my usual afternoon text to which he informed me of some news that could change everything. I can't go into specifics but I will say that I feel like our relationship is going to be over before it really had a chance to begin.

After Steve Rengel dumped me, I had a hard time because he had told me that it wasn't anything I did...that I was always good to him (even when he didn't deserve me to be)...so if I was so awesome and understanding and such a great girlfriend, why did he dump me?

Not that it matters to me anymore why Steve Rengel broke up with me because since I met the Goods, I don't care. Meeting him was just what the doctor ordered. We make each other happy and if I look down 10 years down the road, he'd be the one I see by my side. I knew when I started going out with Steve Rengel  that he would never be my Prince Charming. I was almost convinced there is no such thing. Then Kenny brought me the Goods.

The Goods restored my faith in human nature. I forgot what it was like to have someone treat me with respect and bring me flowers and open doors and treat me like a Princess. He didn't just want to get down my pants. In fact, that concept was completely foreign to me. He makes me feel safe and I know he'd defend my honor in a heartbeat. He even introduced me to everyone as "the New Love of My Life."

I know that his newfound "problem" isn't really a "problem" at all.  I'd support any decisions he makes and be there to lend a helping hand in anyway. We could work through this together, as a couple or as friends. I know that I make him happy. And he makes me just as happy as I make him. Yet it seems like he's ready to throw happiness away with both hands. I hope that I'm just PMSing and that the uneasy feeling I've had all afternoon isn't because he wants to dump me.

I've come to the sick realization that Walt Disney was full of shit. Prince Charming is a fag and forever is nothing more than bullshit. The funny thing is deep down in my heart, I want the Goods to prove me wrong. I'm pray to God I'm wrong. Otherwise, I'm seriously considering suing Walt Disney for false advertisement...because for all his fairy tales and stories of Prince Charming, it seems to me that there's no such thing as "Happily Ever After..."

Or is there?

Because you were in it...

"...and, when he shall die,

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine

That all the world will be in love with night,

And pay no worship to the garish sun."

~William Shakespeare

Ten years ago, I lost my friend Nicole Miller. She was a passenger on United Flight 93 on September 11, 2001. In the ten years since her death, I have thought of her every day. Some people have asked me why I still look at pictures of her or watch anything Flight 93/September 11 related. Some are shocked when I say that I don't want to forget what happened that day. Maybe it's because all they see is me crying because I lost my friend that day. Maybe not.

Though looking at her pictures and watching random videos may make me cry and miss her, the upside (for want of a better word) is that I know in my heart how fortunate I was to have known her at all. Her life, short as it may have been, was a blessing to me. For some unknown reason, in God's plan for me, he chose to cross her path with mine. And what a gift that has turned out to be!!!

Last night after I watched the following video online, I was given another gift.

For the first time in ten years, I was able to hear something I had thought I'd never hear again in this lifetime. It was the sound of her voice. I was able to close my eyes and for a few seconds, it's almost as if she was here with me in the same room. The only thing missing is not being able to open my eyes and see her "sparkly like a holiday" smile that always made everything seem like it was going to be okay. God knows I wish I could see it right about now.

As I've said many times before, time doesn't really heal all wounds. It doesn't make the pain any less painful with each passing day. All time has done is showed me a million different ways to hide it and not let anyone see how much it still hurts me.

The pain that was caused by the events of that fateful morning will never give me any "closure" and I'm not sure I want it to. Closure is an end to something. It means something finally ending. Though Nicole's life on earth ended ten years ago, I wouldn't do her justice to just stop thinking about her. Part of that is how she lived but also how she died.

I think in order to appreciate the good things in life, you've got to go through bad things. I've learned that both will help you appreciate life and the people in it.

A few days ago I watched an old episode of Dateline titled "No Greater Love". It was about the passengers and crew of Flight 93. Towards the end, Nicole's boyfriend Ryan said something in her eulogy that I think about often. He said, "I am not sure that I've learned anything in the last 11 days but what I do know is that my life...our lives...were better because she was in it."

Nicole Carol Miller

Sunrise

March 4, 1980

Sunset

September 11, 2001

Yes, Ryan. Our lives were much better because she was in it. I miss you, Nicole...more than anyone could possibly know.

I was at Safeway earlier tonight and as I stood in line at the checkout, the lady in front of me asked "Aren't you sick of all this September 11th crap?"


WOW.

My first instinct was to punch her in the mouth but instead I just took a deep breath and silently counted to ten. As I exhaled, my left hand went to my right wrist and I pulled down the stainless steel 9/11 NYPD Memorial bracelet. I slipped it off my arm and rubbed it as if trying to draw strength from it. I knew I was going to need it if I was going to speak without my voice cracking.

"I mean, honestly, it's been ten years...let it go already. Stop beating a dead horse..." she droned on about the news coverage of the upcoming memorials planned for next week. "Seriously...we're on the west coast. What the hell do we have to do with it?"

Suddenly a strong firm voice replied "I'll tell you what we have to do with it, lady. Or rather what I have to do with it. Number 1 - I am an American. Number 2 - I lost someone that day. Number 3 - the day we forget about what happened that day is the day it's bound to happen again. Look I'm all for free speech and I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion...but I don't understand. I don't understand how you can ask that question without considering whether or not anyone has any personal ties to 9/11. Well I happen to have a personal interest in September 11 - my friend Nicole was on United Flight 93. So I'll be damned if I just let it go or forget what happened that day. You should be ashamed of yourself for being such an asshole."

It was then that I realized the voice that spoke those words was my very own. My two hands were balled up in fists and in one of them was my bracelet. I shoved it towards her. You could've heard a pin drop...the customers at the surrounding registers were staring at me wide-eyed. I squared my shoulders and asked her to please read the inscription.

She took the bracelet and held it gingerly. In a shaky voice, she read "The first line says: NYPD - 23 - WTC." She cleared her throat and continued "The bottom line says: 9 - 11 - 01." She gave it back to me and whispered "Sorry...I had no idea."

An older gentleman behind me asked where I got the bracelet and if he could see it. I handed it to him and he asked what the 23 meant. I explained that Bernard Kerik gave me the bracelet. At the time of the attacks, Mr. Kerik had been the Police Commissioner. He had lost 23 members of his security detail that day.

I don't remember much more about the rest of the night as I've been in a daze. It's almost 10 years. That's a long time to reflect...most of the time it seems like yesterday while other times it feels like it was a million years ago.

I'm sure I'll write again sometime in the next week. For now, I am exhausted. I forgot how out-of-whack and tired I get around this time of year.


I miss you, Nicole Miller. I really do.