goodbye my friend...

Steven Anthony Lavelle

Sunrise

December 24, 1968

Sunset

April 10, 2011

You can shed tears that he is gone,

Or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind,

Be empty and turn your back,

Or you can do what he would want:

Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Oops! My bad...

It seems that I forgot to mention the exact reason Erik called in the first place. So Alana this is for you:

Our son Robbie was being disrespectful to a girl and also to his stepmother on facebook. I told him that he needed to apologize to both of them. Erik told him to pull his head out of his ass. Erik wanted me to tell him that Michelle wasn't trying to be mean, blah, blah, blah.

The twisted thing about all of this is I had already come to her defense. I had already told Robbie that what he wrote was not cool. I told my son it was wrong to disrespect woman that broke up our little family...the woman who has (as far as I know) never once defended me. And who, even after all the years that have gone by, still probably wouldn't anyway. Yes, I had already told Robbie to apologize before Erik had called me. I told him to say sorry because it was wrong for him to talk to any person - male or female - that way.

I think sometimes Robbie expects me to take his side no matter what because it has to do with Michelle. And not because she's married to his dad. Or I've ever badmouthed her to my kids because I have not. I don't say things under my breath nor have I ever approached her or caused a scene in front of my children. I may not like Michelle but I am civil to her because she is my boys' stepmother. Which is why he needs to respect her. What happened between Michelle, Erik and myself has nothing to do with my kids as far as I'm concerned.

But somehow, I'm still the bad guy in this whole scenario. And you know what? I probably always will be. No matter how much I've changed for the better, it will always go unnoticed. I'm not too sure how to feel about this. Because after giving it some thought, my accomplishments over the past five years far outweigh the disappointments. I've not been in trouble with the law in 5 years. Yet Erik has been arrested several times. No one talks about that. And God forbid I mess up; it'd get thrown in my face faster than a duck on a June bug.

They say the best revenge is looking good and living well...I think I've got that covered, don't you?

Little too late...

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so bothered by Erik calling me yesterday. Maybe it's because for the last five years, I can count on one hand the number of times he's called me to discuss our kids. He's just started calling in November. Not one word from him in about three years then out of the blue, he calls me on Thanksgiving to tell me our boy Robbie is heading down the wrong path.

It's always bothered me that Erik and I have not been able to discuss our children. There are a couple of reasons for this. The first is because his wife is very insecure and would throw a fit if she even thought we were communicating. Second his mother would give me a hard time and not let me see my boys if she suspected there was any contact between us. She used to tell me "You must not be doing as well as you say if you're calling Erik." Of course since I was persona non grata, everything was always my fault. It was my fault if they argued, it was my fault if he didn't come home, it was my fault when I called his new cell phone - it was still my fault even after I asked "How in the hell is it my fault I called him? How do you think I got the number in the first place? I got the number because he called me first!!" Of course it was still my fault. When I asked why it was a problem for me to talk to him, I was told that since the kids are with my ex in-laws then there was no reason I had to speak to Erik. I was also asked why was I trying to break up their marriage. Gee, I thought, I don't recall anyone making a big deal when Michelle was breaking up Erik & I...how fucking hypocritical is that?! The last reason it bothers me is because he's finally making an effort to be a dad like I always wanted but as far as I'm concerned it's a little too late.

I guess I'm angry because I spent almost 9 years with him. During that time, we had our ups and downs. I'm not going to point fingers and blame everything on him. I wasn't always easy to live with especially since I was totally addicted to meth the whole time we were together. At the time, I justified smoking with the way he treated me. I had to smoke everyday. It was the only way I could put up with his crap and deal with his mom/my gramma/life and take care of the boys all at the same time. Besides, he was smoking right next to me. Oh and did I mention he's an alcoholic? Two addicts + domestic violence = DISASTER

I had to go into a residential drug treatment program after Jack was born. As I got sober, I was told that I might not even like Erik anymore. I remember thinking Who in the fuck do these bitches think they are to tell me I'm not going to like him when I'm sober?! But it ended up being the truth. They were right 100% because I really didn't like him at all. Not one bit.

Of course we were only sober (both of us at the same time) for maybe 4 or 5 months. Four months out of 9 years...which is disgusting. During the course of our relationship, he never really did anything to help with the kids. No wait! I take that back. He did help out in the very beginning...when Robbie was a baby until I got pregnant with Junior, he was a great dad. That lasted until Robbie's first birthday...the birthday party that Christian, Cody and I were not invited to.

That was the first of many events I've been excluded from. The thing that's pretty fucked up thing is that I was excluded even when we were still together...long before Michelle came along.

For the past five years, I've had to hear about how happy he and Michelle are. How great he treats her...that he's not drinking or doing drugs...that they go to family functions - Kaelin family functions AND her family functions. I have to hear how he goes to work everyday and supports his little family. He does all the things I used to beg him to do with me and he does them willingly.

You'd never know that this was the same man that used to beat me like a man...that used to not go to work for months on end because he had to be the Norma Police...the same man who broke my nose more that six times and knocked out my two front teeth twice...the same man that once elbowed my face with such force that one of my teeth was embedded in his elbow but still wouldn't take me to a hospital. But he was that man...he was the same one who made sure the boat payment and insurance was paid while he was in jail but couldn't buy his kids formula or diapers because I told him he had to. And he was the same man that wouldn't help me after having an abortion or even after I gave birth to one of our 4 children but that took care of Michelle after she got a boob job. As much as it hurts and bothers me to admit it, this is that same man.

When I think back to these things and he calls out of the blue to ask me to talk to our oldest son, I have a hard time dealing with the all the feelings that come up. Especially since I'd thought I was past feeling anything where Erik is concerned. He was clearly the wrong person for me; yet I am thankful for him because without him, I wouldn't have my babies. Half the time, I'm sorry I wasted my time but I have my kids because of him so how can that be wasted time? I am sorry I let him hurt me for as long as I did. And I'm sorry that I believed all of his lies. But I know that it's because of his lies that I am a strong woman today.

So I'm thinking that's what I have to remember the next time he calls me out of the blue. I'm going to be the one who will wind up on top. It might be a little too late for him but it's not too late for me.

Caller ID, dog piss and mixed feelings about unwanted phone calls from my shitty ex...

So yesterday after Jessica left for work, I was in the garage smoking a cigarette while Kurac was sniffing around for a spot to take a piss. My phone rings and I look down at the caller ID. It said:

"Incoming Call
Erik Kaelin (mobile)"

I answered it and talked to him for approximately 10 minutes about our son Robbie. Now I've had a little over 24 hours to think about this but I'm not sure how I feel about him calling me.

What I do know is I'm going to take a shower, wash the smell of Kurac's piss off me and hopefully I won't still be pissy when I'm done. Either way, I'll let you know as soon as I ponder this a little more.

I found this...

I found this when I was going through files on my 'puter:

It seems to me that I’ve had to deal with death a lot in the last month or two. First with September 11 and Nicole…then a couple of days later when Uncle Nick passed away…I received an e-mail in October from someone that wanted to talk to me about Nicole for a project he’s doing on the passengers of Flight 93. Then yesterday I get a text from Wade that Barry, his dad, passed away on his (Wade’s) birthday, November 1.

If I say that I’m tired of thinking about death and losing people, that wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what I’m going through right now. I guess I’d forgotten how much it hurts when you first learn someone you care about has died.

As I sit here typing, this is the first time I’ve had to process that fact that Barry has died. I do not know the details as I’ve not spoken to Wade yet. We’ve only exchanged texts. But it’s almost like I don’t want to talk to him because then he’ll say out loud what I already know. And as much as I knew this day was coming, maybe if Wade doesn’t say it…well maybe it’s not true.

Okay so I talked to Wade for a second. For once in 23 years, I do not know what to say to him. I tell him I'm sorry I didn't call him sooner and I tell him that I hadn't seen this beginning of his text. Then I just sit there, sniffling, and mumble something like "I can't believe I don't even know what to say."

The last time I saw Barry was over Memorial Day weekend when I went down there and stayed for a week. He looked good. We sat like we always did and talked. I loved Barry since the first time I met him when I was 18 years old. He was a character, to say the least, with a twinkle in his bright blue eyes...the same ones he passed on to his son, Wade.

I wrote that on November 5, 2010. Barry had been gone for only 4 days. It's now April 10, 2011. So it's been roughly 5 months and 9 days...161 days...3,849 hours...230,400 minutes...13,824,000 seconds.

You know I really miss Barry. I miss talking to him and his stories about when he was married to Susan and when he was young living in Mexico with his Sugar Momma. I miss the comfort of knowing that even if Wade was mad at me or I hadn't talked to the Stevers in years, I'd always have a home in Pismo Beach to go to...all I had to do was just walk around to the back patio through the iceplants, hop the fence and knock on the back door because Barry'd always let me in. Whenever I'd say goodbye to him, he'd always ask me "Where are you going?" before hugging me. And I'd answer "I've got to go home, Barry." To which he always replied "But you are home." No matter how much time had passed between us, the Stevers always made me feel at home. And I love them for that.

About 2 years ago when I was in Pismo Beach visiting, Wade and I were sitting in the garage talking about Barry. I was telling him how Barry was telling me about the little Mexican senorita he'd fallen in love when he was in his 20s and lived in Mexico with his Sugar Momma and about how much he loved to surf. Wade chuckled as he told me "You know what, Linda? If there was a way for Barry to surf and keep his cigarette lit, he'd still be out there everyday...surfing, smoking and pulling hot Mexican chicks. That's the only reason he's still not doing it...his cigarette won't stay lit."

I'm really miss you, Barry J. Stever. I really do.