Be thankful...

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire;
if you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful for the difficult times;
during those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations;
they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for your mistakes;
they will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary;
it means you’ve make a difference.

It’s easy to be thankful for the good things;
a life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles;
they can become your blessings.

Letting go...

It's taken me over five years to finally start to feel better about myself and my breakup with Erik. It was a hard lesson learned, let me tell you. For years I tried to figure out why I wasn't good enough for him. Thoughts of "could have...", "would have..." and "what if..." were driving me insane. I'm not sure what snapped me out of it but one day, I realized something. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for him. On the contrary, he wasn't good enough for me. When I finally realized that, a weight was lifted off my chest. It was suddenly a little easier to breathe. And I began to let go...a little bit.

As that realization sank in, it suddenly came to me that life isn't always gonna have happy endings. Nothing is this world is perfect - NOTHING. Not everyone is going to love, appreciate, and/or approve of who or what I am. And you know what? That's okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. And no matter how much I want them to, not everyone is going to be there for me like I have been for them...no matter what the situation may be. It's hard for me not to put my wants and needs on anyone but myself. I shouldn't place my feelings on someone else's shoulders. Erik may have made me feel pretty, smart and important for a minute or two but I wasn't those things because of him, I was all those things on my own.

It's taken me a long time to let go. There are some things I just have no control over...things I cannot change. There are things I will never get back and there are some people, like Erik and his mother, who will never be sorry or even believe that they've done anything wrong. But what I need to understand is that it is not my problem. It's theirs and I need to let it go.

To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore what happened during my relationship with Erik. It's not supposed to leave my feelings of grief, resentment, or anger toward him behind. Letting go isn’t about winning and it’s not about losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how we appear to others. It’s not obsessing or dwelling in the past. Letting go isn’t blocking the happy memories that I still think about nor is it forgetting about the terrifying ones that remain. It doesn’t leave my feelings of emptiness, hurt, or sadness behind either. It’s not giving up and it most certainly isn’t giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss. And it’s definitely not about defeat, either. To let go is to cherish the happy memories that I have so that I may overcome the bad memories and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in what the future holds for me. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning from the disappointments and remembering the losses so that I can appreciate all that will eventually come my way. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made me laugh and even be thankful for the ones that made me cry because both helped me grow. It’s about all that I have now, all that I had before, and all that I will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving on. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that having a heart that forgives can sometimes be the most potent remedy of all. Letting go is opening a door, so I can clear a path and finally set myself free. Because every sixty seconds I've spent upset is a minute of happiness that I can never get back. And why should I settle for less when I can have so much more?

You know just two days ago after I returned from spending 5 days with my kids, I sat in my garage and cried. Cried for what I'd wasted five years of my life on...for the what if's and the should have's that drove me crazy because I thought I did something wrong. If I would have continued beating myself up over it, that would've been wrong.

So from now on, I'm going to try to do what makes me feel good. I'm done with trying to please others only to get nothing in return. I'm with looking back and I am not going to sit here and wonder "what if?" anymore. I am not going to contemplate. I am going to keep steady moving forward, with you or without you...

SO GET ONBOARD OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!

 

"Those people"...

A couple of weeks ago, Poppa passed away. Poppa was the great-grandfather of my four youngest kids. He was Erik's grandfather. My son, Robbie, told me "Poppa died. Gramma called last night and told us." I spoke to my kids on Tuesday afternoon so "last night" was Monday, January 31, 2011. After I got off the phone with my little ones, I sent a text to my oldest son, Christian, to let him know that Poppa passed away. I didn't expect him to say much as he never really got along with any of Erik's family, but he sounded concerned. Probably because he knew I was sad. Right before we said good night, he mentioned that Rex had also passed away. For those of you who don't know, Rex was my uncle Guavi's best friend. If you'd ever been to my grandma's house and spent any time with me there, you'd more than likely know who Rex was. He was a weird looking little man. He was probably 5'3" if he was lucky and after everything he said, he'd add an "oh fuck..." He'd sit for hours in the living room of my gramma's house, chain-smoking his little heart out, perving on me and/or my friends...always trying to party or get something for nothing...he was strange but he was Guavi's friend and I'd known him my whole life. And now he was dead. Just like Poppa. Gone. I was sitting in my room when my 14 year old Cody texted me. I told him about Rex. Then I asked him if he remembered Poppa. And he replied "no i don't remember any of those people." For some reason that made me really sad. See, my kids and I spent almost 9 years with Erik and his family...Cody used to eat breakfast everyday with Grandma Sophie (Erik's grandmother/Poppa's wife). They'd eat sliced apples with peanut butter and Cody would sit while Grandma Sophie and Poppa Jeff played Pitch...yet he didn't remember "those people". I think he knew that I was sad so he tried to comfort me. Later when I thought about it, I realized that maybe he didn't remember them because it was his defense mechanism. It made me think about the last time Cody asked me about Big Erik. About 3 years ago, out of the blue he had asked me "Mom, are we ever going to get to see Big Erik again?" I remember stopping what I was doing to turn and look at him. I asked him "I'm not sure." He thought about it for a second before asking "Will I ever get to talk to him again?" I said "I don't know. Do you want to?" Cody nodded and said "I miss him, Mom. Don't you?" I wasn't sure if it was him that I missed because to be quite honest, I missed my family being all together more than anything. Cody has never said anything about Big Erik again. It really makes me sad because Erik raised Cody from the time he was 18 months old until he was 10 years old. Then...just like that *Poof!* it's like he was never there. I know I was confused after Erik and I broke up...so I can't even begin to fathom how my kids felt. Which is probably why Cody doesn't remember "those people"...and now that I think about it, it's probably easier that way.

Not quite sure what I'm doing...

Okay so I've tried to do this like a hundred times since I first started this blogger thingamajig. Let's see if I've figured it out...it looks like I've figured it out. YAY!!!