The jokes on you, DICKHEAD!!!

Six years. Or 52,608 hours...which is equivalent to 3,156,480 minutes...or 189,388,800 seconds. My life changed on April 1, 2006. Of course I did not know, at the time, that it would eventually be for the better. It has been a long journey over approximately six years to figure that part out.

On April Fool's Day in 2006, Erik married Michelle in Tahoe. For most of the next 6 years, I was in suspended animation. I pretty much kept thinking that Erik would eventually call me and say "April Fool's!!!" And everything would go back to normal. Today is the first time that I have not woken up hoping he'd call...wishing for my phone to ring...just so I could hear those words from his mouth.

If anyone would have told me that one day I'd be happy without him, I would have told them they were crazy. But now that I am happy, I can look back and say that the only crazy person was me. See, I wasn't happy without Erik but I sure as fuck wasn't happy (or anything remotely close to it) with him. I had know that for years. We weren't nice to each other. We were both miserable. So I left. And was miserable still.

I think I thought that I needed to be with him because if I was going to be miserable, at least I could be miserable with him. I was used to that. But I wasn't used to being alone and miserable. That was something I couldn't deal with. For a while I thought everything he said to me was true. Who was going to want me? I had all these kids (even though they weren't with me) and who was going to want a woman with six kids? Not that I wanted someone to take care of my kids because they have a father (yes, he is a sorry one but he is their dad) but if you hear something enough you start to believe it. And I did...I believed that no man was going to want me and no matter how many people told me how pretty, smart, loving I was none of that mattered because I couldn't shake how depressed I had become because our relationship ended.

I am not sure when or how I came out of the fog that surrounded me in re: Erik. I don't recall a moment in time where the light bulb went off over my head to let me know that I was going to be okay. That one day I would meet someone who would love and cherish me. That there was someone out there who would protect me and never hurt me physically or mentally like Erik did. Even though I believe in Prince Charming and Happily Ever Afters, I had seriously started to think I'd never live to see either. But I have.

My days of waiting to hear the phone ring and Erik's voice say "April Fool's!!" are over. At least in the way I wanted to hear it. It is a joke that I thought that's what I wanted to hear for the past six years. It is a joke that I continued to give him that time - on top of everything else that I gave him - to hurt me. But you know what? The jokes on him.

Because I have someone that loves and cherishes me...someone that wants to protect me and tells me everyday how lucky he is to have me...someone that doesn't abuse mentally or physically...and that someone is sitting just a couple of feet away from me right now. I have someone who shows me everyday what love is...not what it isn't.

It's been six years...more if you throw in the actual amount of time Erik & I were together. But I'm done. It is over...for real this time. Really truly over.
Thank God.

How sweet is this?I

I don't have much time today to blog but I just had to post this pic and let everyone know how awesome my boyfriend is...HE TOTALLY ROCKS! When I got off BART & into his truck last night, the beautiful roses you see above were waiting for me. They're so freakin' pretty - pink & yellow. Never seen roses that color before. He is so sweet to me I almost can't stand it!

I've been disappointed so much in the past few years that I had almost forgot what it felt like to actually be in love. I was beginning to think there is no such thing as Prince Charming and that fairy tales were just...well a figament of my imagination. You know, just plain BULLSHIT. Of course I wanted so much to believe in love and all but I was beginning to get sour.

Thank God I held onto that little glimmer of hope. He may not have galloped up on a white horse (or a surfboard) but he's here. And he's helped restore my faith in human nature.

Thank you so much, Albie! I love you!!

New Year 2012

For the first time in almost 20 years, I will be going out on New Year's Eve. Yes, you read it correctly. I am going out on New Year's Eve with a date and everything. It might seem like no big deal to most people but since I have been without a significant other for the past 6 years (Mr. Big & Steve Rengel don't really count as significant others) it is a very big deal to me.

I never thought I was someone that really gave 2 shits about having someone to kiss when the ball drops at midnight but then again I also thought that I'd be with Erik for the rest of my life. And we all know that forever came a bit too soon as far as he & I were concerned. Yet the thought of having someone as amazing as my new honey...well let's just say that I didn't think he really existed - even though I hoped & prayed for a guy like him to come along and prove me wrong.

On the eve of my birthday last week, I felt like things were too good to be true. We had a little incident that almost made me give up hope. Sorta like when things are going so well that it's only a matter of time before something is bound to come along and fuck it all up. It had me all freaked out and depressed through the whole weekend. It made my birthday suck and my Christmas suck. And I'd thought it was going to make the New Year suck too.

But while I was at work on Christmas night - at the Loosli family Christmas dinner - I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It started when Julie told me I wouldn't be working on New Year's Eve. The lights are getting brighter and brighter for me and I can't wait til tomorrow night!

In case I don't get around to posting anything before tomorrow night, I just wanted to say I hope everyone has a safe and very Happy New Year!!!

Oh and thanks in advance, honey. I know I'm going to have the best time...because every day we spend together has been the best day ever and they just keep getting better. I love you!!!

Once Upon A Time...

A couple of months ago, my cousin messaged me on facebook and said he wanted me to meet someone. It had been almost 2 months Steve Rengel dumped me and I wasn't exactly keen on the opposite sex; however, I knew that the only way to get over Steve was to date someone else. Ordinarily I wouldn't give anyone Kenny put in front of me the time of day but I was bored and did a little I-SPY on facebook. The guy was actually good looking...and, after perusing his profile with a fine tooth comb, I came to the conclusion that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

It wasn't a bad idea at all. In fact, it was just what I needed.

The Goods came blazing into my life with flowers on our first date...he opened doors...showered me with compliments...and most important, he made me laugh. He treated me with respect and called me his "Princess". He has treated me the way I deserve to be treated and for the past 2 months, everything has been almost too good to be true...until today.

This afternoon I sent him my usual afternoon text to which he informed me of some news that could change everything. I can't go into specifics but I will say that I feel like our relationship is going to be over before it really had a chance to begin.

After Steve Rengel dumped me, I had a hard time because he had told me that it wasn't anything I did...that I was always good to him (even when he didn't deserve me to be)...so if I was so awesome and understanding and such a great girlfriend, why did he dump me?

Not that it matters to me anymore why Steve Rengel broke up with me because since I met the Goods, I don't care. Meeting him was just what the doctor ordered. We make each other happy and if I look down 10 years down the road, he'd be the one I see by my side. I knew when I started going out with Steve Rengel  that he would never be my Prince Charming. I was almost convinced there is no such thing. Then Kenny brought me the Goods.

The Goods restored my faith in human nature. I forgot what it was like to have someone treat me with respect and bring me flowers and open doors and treat me like a Princess. He didn't just want to get down my pants. In fact, that concept was completely foreign to me. He makes me feel safe and I know he'd defend my honor in a heartbeat. He even introduced me to everyone as "the New Love of My Life."

I know that his newfound "problem" isn't really a "problem" at all.  I'd support any decisions he makes and be there to lend a helping hand in anyway. We could work through this together, as a couple or as friends. I know that I make him happy. And he makes me just as happy as I make him. Yet it seems like he's ready to throw happiness away with both hands. I hope that I'm just PMSing and that the uneasy feeling I've had all afternoon isn't because he wants to dump me.

I've come to the sick realization that Walt Disney was full of shit. Prince Charming is a fag and forever is nothing more than bullshit. The funny thing is deep down in my heart, I want the Goods to prove me wrong. I'm pray to God I'm wrong. Otherwise, I'm seriously considering suing Walt Disney for false advertisement...because for all his fairy tales and stories of Prince Charming, it seems to me that there's no such thing as "Happily Ever After..."

Or is there?

Once Upon A Time...

I'm not sure what made me click on Kevin's profile that morning. It could have been just be curiosity. Curiosity stemming from the fact that there was a woman standing with him in his profile picture? Yes, I have to be honest here - that's what made me look. But not because I still had feelings for him. I'll be perfectly truthful here, I didn't feel much of anything when I looked at his pictures. I felt nothing except...well, I'm not quite sure what to call it.

As I looked at the photos of him on his facebook profile, I barely saw the Kevin I met 22 years ago. In fact, I didn't see that Kevin at all. The All-American surfer boy was gone replaced by a tattooed man who looks hardened by life. Nothing remained of the boy I fell in love with. It made me sad - the realization that I don't even know him anymore - because at one point in my life I loved him very much. The weird thing about all of this was the fact that I hardly ever think about him anymore. Hell, I don't even think of him when I look at our son, Christian. And that's just sad.

It made me wonder if somewhere down the road maybe I will eventually end up doing the same thing when I think of Erik or Steve. I wondered if they would also fade from my memory the way Kevin had. I felt an emptiness when I realize that someone who once meant so much to me...well, that he never crosses my mind except if I hear someone mention his name. Or if, by chance, I hear a song that reminds me of our time together. But barring that, Kevin never crosses my mind.

When I looked at his photos that day, I noticed that one was taken on Father's Day. He was on a beach with a little girl who is probably about 9 years old. I assumed that she was his daughter, Alexis. As I looked at the picture, I felt slightly detatched. I wondered why I wasn't angry or hurt by this photo because when I stopped to think about it, I had only one photo of Christian and Kevin. But the photo was long gone as Erik destroyed it years ago. So the only anger I felt was directed at Erik for destroying the one thing Christian had of Kevin.

I thought about all the Father's Days that had come and gone...the ones where I always made sure Christian and I had Kevin cards and/or presents...we gave them even if we hadn't spoken to or seen him in months. I used to tell him that one day he wasn't going to get anything from Christian and I. That it'd be no one's fault but his own. He'd just give me that look, then say "Hmmmmph...yeah whatever...shut the fuck up."

After giving it much thought, I decided that I am going to shut the fuck up. Not because he told me to but because I want to...for our son Christian but most of all for myself. By shutting the fuck up, I want him to know that I harbor no ill will towards him nor do I hate him. I don't love him anymore. Do I still care for him? Maybe. But not in the sense that I think we could ever be together again because when I stop to think about it, I don't even know why I was with him in the first place. I still care for him because a long time ago, I did love him very very much. And despite everything, I cannot act like our time together did not exist. Because it did. And nothing either one of us says or does will ever change that. I guess I just want him to know that I don't want anything bad to ever happen to him. I won't bad mouth him even if I have a reason to. I just don't have it in me anymore.

Maybe I just forgive people too easy. Especially people that really don't deserve to be forgiven. I guess I'm writing this because I finally realized that I forgive not only Kevin but also myself. It's the only way I'll be able to let go so that I can finally move on.

It won't take away the times that we hurt each other nor does it make the pain go away. Those things happened and we cannot change them. But what's done is done. And life is too short for me to be pissed off at him anymore. Pissed off for the things that we could and should have done...for the things we said and didn't say...for so many things that really don't matter anymore. I just want for move forward with my life and I want the same for Kevin too.

A long time ago, on July 5, 1988, I met a boy named Kevin. Over the years, many things happened and we lost touch. I am not sure what he's doing now - I'm not sure it even matters anymore - but I hope that wherever life has taken him and whatever he is doing today, I pray that he is okay. I wish only the best for him...I really do.

10 Things I Loved About Him

So the flip side of yesterday's 10 Things I Hated About Him is (obviously) going to be 10 Things I Loved About Him. I'm not sure if I can muster up 10 things but I will try. You never know, it might end up being like yesterday when these things kept popping up. Maybe I loved him more that I hated him. Ready...set...go!!!

1. I loved how confident he was when he was working...getting paid to bark orders at others, not in a control freak sort of way, but because he was extremely good at his job and he knew what he was doing. He never second guessed himself and he exuded confidence.

2. I loved his arms. They weren't too big, they weren't too small but just right. They were the hands of a hard working man. Big strong hands that made me feel HELD and safe and secure. I loved the way golden hairs on his forearms glistened in the sun.

3. I loved when he took me, Christian and Cody to the Claremont Hotel for a week in Berkeley after Cody's surgery. We stayed in the Tower Suite and he fed me strawberries and cream in the middle of the night. We didn't fight and actually liked each other still.

4. I loved the way he looked at me when I was pregnant with Robbie. And I mean REALLY pregnant. During my first two pregnancies, I felt bloated and fat and didn't want anyone to touch me. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He'd kiss my belly and tell me "That's you and me in there, Linda. That's our baby."

5. I loved it when put his head on my chest and ask me to run my fingers through his hair. "Sing me the Memphis song, babe." He would always drift off by the end of the song.

6. I loved the way he looked after he was out in the garage welding something. And I loved the way his skin would smell and how it drove me absolutely out of my mind.

7. I loved the sound of his heartbeat and the warmth of his body when I put my head on his chest. It was like music to my ears and the warmest blanket on earth.

8. I loved the scent of his hair. I could bury my nose in his hair and get lost. Oh and the way his skin smelled. No cologne, nothing...just skin. God I loved that smell.

9. I loved how absolutely amazed he was watched as I gave birth to Erik Junior. He told everyone how strong I was and how my little body was amazing. He was awestruck by the whole thing.

10. I love that I find it difficult to remember the things I loved about him. It helps when I think I miss him and our time together.

This list was hard to write because I really can't remember why I loved him the way I did. But I think maybe that might be a good thing. Like I said in #10, it'll help when I miss him.

Because I could go on and on (and I probably will later) about the things I hate/d about him. And that's sad. Especially since this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with...the man I had four children with...the man I kissed, hugged, cared for, cooked for, shared my most intimate moments with.

10 Things I Hated About Him

Even though I am in the middle of a chores, I decided to take a break and do this 10 Things I hated About Him that I found on a blog I subscribe to. I'm almost totally 100% sure I will be a mess by the time I am done with this but maybe not. [[deep breath]] Ready...set...go!!!

1. I hated when I was having a miscarriage and asked you to come to the hospital. You got off work early but instead of supporting me, you went waterskiing with your boss Ricky and turned off the cell phone.

2. I hated the way you'd let your mom tell everyone how horrible I was. Especially when she'd say things that weren't true (and you knew they weren't) yet you'd stand there and let her.

3. I hated the way you accused me of screwing anyone and everyone that came in contact with me. Didn't matter if it was a stranger, a family member, my best friend or anyone you were fixated on that day...I had to be screwing them.

4. I hate the way you pretended you had no money in the beginning and I paid for everything...only to find out months later that you had a grip of money in the bank and a pocketful of credit cards.

5. I hated the way you beat me like a man for hours when we didn't go to your Christmas party. We were supposed to meet your parents in Oakland to catch the ferry but we didn't make it because I didn't have a pair of heels. You told me to wear a pair of your mother's shoes. I said they won't fit. You punched me in the arm and made me get out of the truck at Lake Elizabeth. You drove off only to return a few minutes later. On the drive home you told me "We're not going to make it and it's your fucking fault. It's almost 2 and I figure my parents won't be back til around 11 or midnight. I'm gonna smoke that coke I've got then I'm gonna fuck you up. What the fuck am I supposed to tell them? You should've just wore my mom's fucking shoes, for Christ's sake!" and when I said I wanted to go home to my gramma's he told me "The only place you're going is straight inside and I'm gonna beat the fuck outta you." And you did. I hated that you smoked crack, then proceeded to beat the crap outta me and smashed my ring finger so bad my nailbed is forever fucked off.

6. I hated the way you broke my face so bad I couldn't leave the house for over 6 weeks. You knocked out my 2 front teeth and smashed my face with your elbow so hard that one of my teeth was embedded in it. You grabbed a handful of my hair and yelled "Fucking bitch! Look what you did to my elbow!" I hated that it took you 30 seconds before you saw what you did to my face and I hated it even more when you said you wouldn't take me to the hospital because you'd go to prison. And I hated that I looked like a monster and my kids cried because they were scared and all you were worried about was yourself. By the way, Hunter was barely 2 weeks old when this happened. God I really hated you for that.

7. I hated the way you didn't do anything when I had the abortion two days before you got arrested for domestic violence. It was a two day procedure and you didn't take me to the clinic nor would you watch Junior. On the day of the procedure, you got spun out of your mind and still didn't help or take care of me.

8. I hated the way years later (when you were half-assed with me & Michelle at the same time) when she had her breasts augmented, you called to tell me you couldn't come get me for a day or two. When I asked why you told me because you had to take care of her because she had her tits done. I hated that you couldn't understand why I was upset.

9. I hated how you called me one night from Rocklin (where you were living with Michelle but hadn't told me yet) and said you were on your way to come get me. I told you to wait because you were drunk. You showed up 2 hours later and spent 4 days with me. On the last day, we were parked in my neighbors driveway and we had sex in the back of Michelle's car. You hadn't even rolled off of me yet when you told me you were thinking about marrying her. Then you said "I can't do this...will you go with me to Rocklin so I can give her the car and get my truck and tell her that I love you and want to marry you. We can go to Reno and get married after we get my truck." I said yes and then you tell me "No. You'll be mean to her. Let me take her the truck and I'll back to get you later today." I told you "No you won't. If you don't take me now, you'll never marry me. I'm never going to see you again." You said yes you would and you'd be right back. I never saw you again. It's been over 5 years. And I hate you for that.

10. I hate the times you'd beat me within an inch of my life. Beat me like a man and choke me until my fingertips felt numb and I pissed myself and woke up on the opposite said of the house. I hated the way you wanted to have sex but wouldn't let me shower and got mad at me because I was crying. I hated that you didn't let me and still made me do it anyway.

I could probably go on and on and on. Maybe someday in the future I will continue but for now, this is enough. The thing that really gets me about making this list is how in the hell did I get out of it alive? And why did I stay with this monster for almost 9 years?

Oops! My bad...

It seems that I forgot to mention the exact reason Erik called in the first place. So Alana this is for you:

Our son Robbie was being disrespectful to a girl and also to his stepmother on facebook. I told him that he needed to apologize to both of them. Erik told him to pull his head out of his ass. Erik wanted me to tell him that Michelle wasn't trying to be mean, blah, blah, blah.

The twisted thing about all of this is I had already come to her defense. I had already told Robbie that what he wrote was not cool. I told my son it was wrong to disrespect woman that broke up our little family...the woman who has (as far as I know) never once defended me. And who, even after all the years that have gone by, still probably wouldn't anyway. Yes, I had already told Robbie to apologize before Erik had called me. I told him to say sorry because it was wrong for him to talk to any person - male or female - that way.

I think sometimes Robbie expects me to take his side no matter what because it has to do with Michelle. And not because she's married to his dad. Or I've ever badmouthed her to my kids because I have not. I don't say things under my breath nor have I ever approached her or caused a scene in front of my children. I may not like Michelle but I am civil to her because she is my boys' stepmother. Which is why he needs to respect her. What happened between Michelle, Erik and myself has nothing to do with my kids as far as I'm concerned.

But somehow, I'm still the bad guy in this whole scenario. And you know what? I probably always will be. No matter how much I've changed for the better, it will always go unnoticed. I'm not too sure how to feel about this. Because after giving it some thought, my accomplishments over the past five years far outweigh the disappointments. I've not been in trouble with the law in 5 years. Yet Erik has been arrested several times. No one talks about that. And God forbid I mess up; it'd get thrown in my face faster than a duck on a June bug.

They say the best revenge is looking good and living well...I think I've got that covered, don't you?

Little too late...

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so bothered by Erik calling me yesterday. Maybe it's because for the last five years, I can count on one hand the number of times he's called me to discuss our kids. He's just started calling in November. Not one word from him in about three years then out of the blue, he calls me on Thanksgiving to tell me our boy Robbie is heading down the wrong path.

It's always bothered me that Erik and I have not been able to discuss our children. There are a couple of reasons for this. The first is because his wife is very insecure and would throw a fit if she even thought we were communicating. Second his mother would give me a hard time and not let me see my boys if she suspected there was any contact between us. She used to tell me "You must not be doing as well as you say if you're calling Erik." Of course since I was persona non grata, everything was always my fault. It was my fault if they argued, it was my fault if he didn't come home, it was my fault when I called his new cell phone - it was still my fault even after I asked "How in the hell is it my fault I called him? How do you think I got the number in the first place? I got the number because he called me first!!" Of course it was still my fault. When I asked why it was a problem for me to talk to him, I was told that since the kids are with my ex in-laws then there was no reason I had to speak to Erik. I was also asked why was I trying to break up their marriage. Gee, I thought, I don't recall anyone making a big deal when Michelle was breaking up Erik & I...how fucking hypocritical is that?! The last reason it bothers me is because he's finally making an effort to be a dad like I always wanted but as far as I'm concerned it's a little too late.

I guess I'm angry because I spent almost 9 years with him. During that time, we had our ups and downs. I'm not going to point fingers and blame everything on him. I wasn't always easy to live with especially since I was totally addicted to meth the whole time we were together. At the time, I justified smoking with the way he treated me. I had to smoke everyday. It was the only way I could put up with his crap and deal with his mom/my gramma/life and take care of the boys all at the same time. Besides, he was smoking right next to me. Oh and did I mention he's an alcoholic? Two addicts + domestic violence = DISASTER

I had to go into a residential drug treatment program after Jack was born. As I got sober, I was told that I might not even like Erik anymore. I remember thinking Who in the fuck do these bitches think they are to tell me I'm not going to like him when I'm sober?! But it ended up being the truth. They were right 100% because I really didn't like him at all. Not one bit.

Of course we were only sober (both of us at the same time) for maybe 4 or 5 months. Four months out of 9 years...which is disgusting. During the course of our relationship, he never really did anything to help with the kids. No wait! I take that back. He did help out in the very beginning...when Robbie was a baby until I got pregnant with Junior, he was a great dad. That lasted until Robbie's first birthday...the birthday party that Christian, Cody and I were not invited to.

That was the first of many events I've been excluded from. The thing that's pretty fucked up thing is that I was excluded even when we were still together...long before Michelle came along.

For the past five years, I've had to hear about how happy he and Michelle are. How great he treats her...that he's not drinking or doing drugs...that they go to family functions - Kaelin family functions AND her family functions. I have to hear how he goes to work everyday and supports his little family. He does all the things I used to beg him to do with me and he does them willingly.

You'd never know that this was the same man that used to beat me like a man...that used to not go to work for months on end because he had to be the Norma Police...the same man who broke my nose more that six times and knocked out my two front teeth twice...the same man that once elbowed my face with such force that one of my teeth was embedded in his elbow but still wouldn't take me to a hospital. But he was that man...he was the same one who made sure the boat payment and insurance was paid while he was in jail but couldn't buy his kids formula or diapers because I told him he had to. And he was the same man that wouldn't help me after having an abortion or even after I gave birth to one of our 4 children but that took care of Michelle after she got a boob job. As much as it hurts and bothers me to admit it, this is that same man.

When I think back to these things and he calls out of the blue to ask me to talk to our oldest son, I have a hard time dealing with the all the feelings that come up. Especially since I'd thought I was past feeling anything where Erik is concerned. He was clearly the wrong person for me; yet I am thankful for him because without him, I wouldn't have my babies. Half the time, I'm sorry I wasted my time but I have my kids because of him so how can that be wasted time? I am sorry I let him hurt me for as long as I did. And I'm sorry that I believed all of his lies. But I know that it's because of his lies that I am a strong woman today.

So I'm thinking that's what I have to remember the next time he calls me out of the blue. I'm going to be the one who will wind up on top. It might be a little too late for him but it's not too late for me.

Caller ID, dog piss and mixed feelings about unwanted phone calls from my shitty ex...

So yesterday after Jessica left for work, I was in the garage smoking a cigarette while Kurac was sniffing around for a spot to take a piss. My phone rings and I look down at the caller ID. It said:

"Incoming Call
Erik Kaelin (mobile)"

I answered it and talked to him for approximately 10 minutes about our son Robbie. Now I've had a little over 24 hours to think about this but I'm not sure how I feel about him calling me.

What I do know is I'm going to take a shower, wash the smell of Kurac's piss off me and hopefully I won't still be pissy when I'm done. Either way, I'll let you know as soon as I ponder this a little more.

Jane McClain: A letter to Susan

I came across this last night when I was surfing the net:

http://janemcclain.blogspot.com/2010/09/letter-to-susan.html

It struck a chord. It struck one that most of the time I don't care to remember. Most of the time...

As I read her post there were tears streaming down my face. I, too, could relate. She wrote about being attacked face to face and about Susan's doing it from behind. I could relate because DICKHEAD attacked me face-to-face...from behind...from the side...from the top and even from the bottom.

I can remember the shock and disbelief as DICKHEAD's face contorted and the veins bulged from his forehead and neck while he sat on top of my chest choking me til my lips and fingertips went numb. I can remember thinking this is what it feels like to die as I wet my pants before I blacked out. I can recall waking up on the opposite side of our house and wondering how I got there and thinking maybe it had been some kind of bad dream. I can remember sitting up and looking around for DICKHEAD...finding him sitting on the ottoman in the shadows of the darkened room a 30 ott (sp?) six across his lap and a pistol on each knee. I remember feeling like I was going to puke as he snarled "Whoever comes through that door is gonna die, Linda. He's getting shot and then I'm going to beat the fuck outta you then I'm gonna kill you then I'm killing myself." I remember glancing toward the door and the absolute horror I felt as I saw he had nailed the door shut.

Yes, I could relate. The anguish I felt knowing that I was going to die...and that the man I'd lived with and loved for almost 9 years...that he was going to be the one to do it. Terror does not even begin to scratch the surface of me "relating" to Susan and Jane.

This is an experience no amount of time or therapy will erase...I glimpsed an anger so toxic, so dark and reckless......it was as if the devil himself were standing there preparing to devour me.

No amount of time or therapy nor could all the meth in the world ever erase any of it. My life turned upside down when I started dating DICKHEAD. It was turned upside down then back and so on and so on until I decided to walk away. In the process I lost my children too. He had convinced me to sign over the boys to his parents; they have temporary guardianship. He pretty much has no rights to them. Even less that I due to his record; however, nothing ever changed for him. Since the court order states it's up to his parents' discretion, he has always had access to the boys for the past 5 years. Whereas I've had to fight and struggle for the time I spend with them.

Jane was right when she said we won't ever get over it but we will get through it.

The past 5 years have been tough. So tough that there were many times I felt like throwing in the towel. But throwing in the towel would be the easy thing to do. Not only that, that is exactly what he expects me to do. And I'm not giving him what he wants. Not anymore. For nine years, I gave him everything I had. He took my pride, my self-worth, my energy, and my strength. He took my family and my friends from me. He let his parents take our children from me while he almost robbed me of all my self-esteem...almost.

Reading Jane's blog post and hearing about Susan is helping me heal. Which is probably why I wrote this. I'm not sure if anyone will read it or if it'll make a difference. But hopefully it will. I think back to all the times I'd felt alone...too many times to count. I hope that maybe one day someone in my shoes will come across this post...and know that all isn't lost. That there is hope and a better life somewhere down the road.

Thank you, Jane and Susan.

Letting go...

It's taken me over five years to finally start to feel better about myself and my breakup with Erik. It was a hard lesson learned, let me tell you. For years I tried to figure out why I wasn't good enough for him. Thoughts of "could have...", "would have..." and "what if..." were driving me insane. I'm not sure what snapped me out of it but one day, I realized something. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for him. On the contrary, he wasn't good enough for me. When I finally realized that, a weight was lifted off my chest. It was suddenly a little easier to breathe. And I began to let go...a little bit.

As that realization sank in, it suddenly came to me that life isn't always gonna have happy endings. Nothing is this world is perfect - NOTHING. Not everyone is going to love, appreciate, and/or approve of who or what I am. And you know what? That's okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. And no matter how much I want them to, not everyone is going to be there for me like I have been for them...no matter what the situation may be. It's hard for me not to put my wants and needs on anyone but myself. I shouldn't place my feelings on someone else's shoulders. Erik may have made me feel pretty, smart and important for a minute or two but I wasn't those things because of him, I was all those things on my own.

It's taken me a long time to let go. There are some things I just have no control over...things I cannot change. There are things I will never get back and there are some people, like Erik and his mother, who will never be sorry or even believe that they've done anything wrong. But what I need to understand is that it is not my problem. It's theirs and I need to let it go.

To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore what happened during my relationship with Erik. It's not supposed to leave my feelings of grief, resentment, or anger toward him behind. Letting go isn’t about winning and it’s not about losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how we appear to others. It’s not obsessing or dwelling in the past. Letting go isn’t blocking the happy memories that I still think about nor is it forgetting about the terrifying ones that remain. It doesn’t leave my feelings of emptiness, hurt, or sadness behind either. It’s not giving up and it most certainly isn’t giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss. And it’s definitely not about defeat, either. To let go is to cherish the happy memories that I have so that I may overcome the bad memories and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in what the future holds for me. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning from the disappointments and remembering the losses so that I can appreciate all that will eventually come my way. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made me laugh and even be thankful for the ones that made me cry because both helped me grow. It’s about all that I have now, all that I had before, and all that I will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving on. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that having a heart that forgives can sometimes be the most potent remedy of all. Letting go is opening a door, so I can clear a path and finally set myself free. Because every sixty seconds I've spent upset is a minute of happiness that I can never get back. And why should I settle for less when I can have so much more?

You know just two days ago after I returned from spending 5 days with my kids, I sat in my garage and cried. Cried for what I'd wasted five years of my life on...for the what if's and the should have's that drove me crazy because I thought I did something wrong. If I would have continued beating myself up over it, that would've been wrong.

So from now on, I'm going to try to do what makes me feel good. I'm done with trying to please others only to get nothing in return. I'm with looking back and I am not going to sit here and wonder "what if?" anymore. I am not going to contemplate. I am going to keep steady moving forward, with you or without you...

SO GET ONBOARD OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!

 

"Those people"...

A couple of weeks ago, Poppa passed away. Poppa was the great-grandfather of my four youngest kids. He was Erik's grandfather. My son, Robbie, told me "Poppa died. Gramma called last night and told us." I spoke to my kids on Tuesday afternoon so "last night" was Monday, January 31, 2011. After I got off the phone with my little ones, I sent a text to my oldest son, Christian, to let him know that Poppa passed away. I didn't expect him to say much as he never really got along with any of Erik's family, but he sounded concerned. Probably because he knew I was sad. Right before we said good night, he mentioned that Rex had also passed away. For those of you who don't know, Rex was my uncle Guavi's best friend. If you'd ever been to my grandma's house and spent any time with me there, you'd more than likely know who Rex was. He was a weird looking little man. He was probably 5'3" if he was lucky and after everything he said, he'd add an "oh fuck..." He'd sit for hours in the living room of my gramma's house, chain-smoking his little heart out, perving on me and/or my friends...always trying to party or get something for nothing...he was strange but he was Guavi's friend and I'd known him my whole life. And now he was dead. Just like Poppa. Gone. I was sitting in my room when my 14 year old Cody texted me. I told him about Rex. Then I asked him if he remembered Poppa. And he replied "no i don't remember any of those people." For some reason that made me really sad. See, my kids and I spent almost 9 years with Erik and his family...Cody used to eat breakfast everyday with Grandma Sophie (Erik's grandmother/Poppa's wife). They'd eat sliced apples with peanut butter and Cody would sit while Grandma Sophie and Poppa Jeff played Pitch...yet he didn't remember "those people". I think he knew that I was sad so he tried to comfort me. Later when I thought about it, I realized that maybe he didn't remember them because it was his defense mechanism. It made me think about the last time Cody asked me about Big Erik. About 3 years ago, out of the blue he had asked me "Mom, are we ever going to get to see Big Erik again?" I remember stopping what I was doing to turn and look at him. I asked him "I'm not sure." He thought about it for a second before asking "Will I ever get to talk to him again?" I said "I don't know. Do you want to?" Cody nodded and said "I miss him, Mom. Don't you?" I wasn't sure if it was him that I missed because to be quite honest, I missed my family being all together more than anything. Cody has never said anything about Big Erik again. It really makes me sad because Erik raised Cody from the time he was 18 months old until he was 10 years old. Then...just like that *Poof!* it's like he was never there. I know I was confused after Erik and I broke up...so I can't even begin to fathom how my kids felt. Which is probably why Cody doesn't remember "those people"...and now that I think about it, it's probably easier that way.