Little too late...

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so bothered by Erik calling me yesterday. Maybe it's because for the last five years, I can count on one hand the number of times he's called me to discuss our kids. He's just started calling in November. Not one word from him in about three years then out of the blue, he calls me on Thanksgiving to tell me our boy Robbie is heading down the wrong path.

It's always bothered me that Erik and I have not been able to discuss our children. There are a couple of reasons for this. The first is because his wife is very insecure and would throw a fit if she even thought we were communicating. Second his mother would give me a hard time and not let me see my boys if she suspected there was any contact between us. She used to tell me "You must not be doing as well as you say if you're calling Erik." Of course since I was persona non grata, everything was always my fault. It was my fault if they argued, it was my fault if he didn't come home, it was my fault when I called his new cell phone - it was still my fault even after I asked "How in the hell is it my fault I called him? How do you think I got the number in the first place? I got the number because he called me first!!" Of course it was still my fault. When I asked why it was a problem for me to talk to him, I was told that since the kids are with my ex in-laws then there was no reason I had to speak to Erik. I was also asked why was I trying to break up their marriage. Gee, I thought, I don't recall anyone making a big deal when Michelle was breaking up Erik & I...how fucking hypocritical is that?! The last reason it bothers me is because he's finally making an effort to be a dad like I always wanted but as far as I'm concerned it's a little too late.

I guess I'm angry because I spent almost 9 years with him. During that time, we had our ups and downs. I'm not going to point fingers and blame everything on him. I wasn't always easy to live with especially since I was totally addicted to meth the whole time we were together. At the time, I justified smoking with the way he treated me. I had to smoke everyday. It was the only way I could put up with his crap and deal with his mom/my gramma/life and take care of the boys all at the same time. Besides, he was smoking right next to me. Oh and did I mention he's an alcoholic? Two addicts + domestic violence = DISASTER

I had to go into a residential drug treatment program after Jack was born. As I got sober, I was told that I might not even like Erik anymore. I remember thinking Who in the fuck do these bitches think they are to tell me I'm not going to like him when I'm sober?! But it ended up being the truth. They were right 100% because I really didn't like him at all. Not one bit.

Of course we were only sober (both of us at the same time) for maybe 4 or 5 months. Four months out of 9 years...which is disgusting. During the course of our relationship, he never really did anything to help with the kids. No wait! I take that back. He did help out in the very beginning...when Robbie was a baby until I got pregnant with Junior, he was a great dad. That lasted until Robbie's first birthday...the birthday party that Christian, Cody and I were not invited to.

That was the first of many events I've been excluded from. The thing that's pretty fucked up thing is that I was excluded even when we were still together...long before Michelle came along.

For the past five years, I've had to hear about how happy he and Michelle are. How great he treats her...that he's not drinking or doing drugs...that they go to family functions - Kaelin family functions AND her family functions. I have to hear how he goes to work everyday and supports his little family. He does all the things I used to beg him to do with me and he does them willingly.

You'd never know that this was the same man that used to beat me like a man...that used to not go to work for months on end because he had to be the Norma Police...the same man who broke my nose more that six times and knocked out my two front teeth twice...the same man that once elbowed my face with such force that one of my teeth was embedded in his elbow but still wouldn't take me to a hospital. But he was that man...he was the same one who made sure the boat payment and insurance was paid while he was in jail but couldn't buy his kids formula or diapers because I told him he had to. And he was the same man that wouldn't help me after having an abortion or even after I gave birth to one of our 4 children but that took care of Michelle after she got a boob job. As much as it hurts and bothers me to admit it, this is that same man.

When I think back to these things and he calls out of the blue to ask me to talk to our oldest son, I have a hard time dealing with the all the feelings that come up. Especially since I'd thought I was past feeling anything where Erik is concerned. He was clearly the wrong person for me; yet I am thankful for him because without him, I wouldn't have my babies. Half the time, I'm sorry I wasted my time but I have my kids because of him so how can that be wasted time? I am sorry I let him hurt me for as long as I did. And I'm sorry that I believed all of his lies. But I know that it's because of his lies that I am a strong woman today.

So I'm thinking that's what I have to remember the next time he calls me out of the blue. I'm going to be the one who will wind up on top. It might be a little too late for him but it's not too late for me.