It's taken me over five years to finally start to feel better about myself and my breakup with Erik. It was a hard lesson learned, let me tell you. For years I tried to figure out why I wasn't good enough for him. Thoughts of "could have...", "would have..." and "what if..." were driving me insane. I'm not sure what snapped me out of it but one day, I realized something. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for him. On the contrary, he wasn't good enough for me. When I finally realized that, a weight was lifted off my chest. It was suddenly a little easier to breathe. And I began to let go...a little bit.
As that realization sank in, it suddenly came to me that life isn't always gonna have happy endings. Nothing is this world is perfect - NOTHING. Not everyone is going to love, appreciate, and/or approve of who or what I am. And you know what? That's okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. And no matter how much I want them to, not everyone is going to be there for me like I have been for them...no matter what the situation may be. It's hard for me not to put my wants and needs on anyone but myself. I shouldn't place my feelings on someone else's shoulders. Erik may have made me feel pretty, smart and important for a minute or two but I wasn't those things because of him, I was all those things on my own.
It's taken me a long time to let go. There are some things I just have no control over...things I cannot change. There are things I will never get back and there are some people, like Erik and his mother, who will never be sorry or even believe that they've done anything wrong. But what I need to understand is that it is not my problem. It's theirs and I need to let it go.
To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore what happened during my relationship with Erik. It's not supposed to leave my feelings of grief, resentment, or anger toward him behind. Letting go isn’t about winning and it’s not about losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how we appear to others. It’s not obsessing or dwelling in the past. Letting go isn’t blocking the happy memories that I still think about nor is it forgetting about the terrifying ones that remain. It doesn’t leave my feelings of emptiness, hurt, or sadness behind either. It’s not giving up and it most certainly isn’t giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss. And it’s definitely not about defeat, either. To let go is to cherish the happy memories that I have so that I may overcome the bad memories and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in what the future holds for me. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning from the disappointments and remembering the losses so that I can appreciate all that will eventually come my way. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made me laugh and even be thankful for the ones that made me cry because both helped me grow. It’s about all that I have now, all that I had before, and all that I will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving on. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that having a heart that forgives can sometimes be the most potent remedy of all. Letting go is opening a door, so I can clear a path and finally set myself free. Because every sixty seconds I've spent upset is a minute of happiness that I can never get back. And why should I settle for less when I can have so much more?
SO GET ONBOARD OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!
As that realization sank in, it suddenly came to me that life isn't always gonna have happy endings. Nothing is this world is perfect - NOTHING. Not everyone is going to love, appreciate, and/or approve of who or what I am. And you know what? That's okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. And no matter how much I want them to, not everyone is going to be there for me like I have been for them...no matter what the situation may be. It's hard for me not to put my wants and needs on anyone but myself. I shouldn't place my feelings on someone else's shoulders. Erik may have made me feel pretty, smart and important for a minute or two but I wasn't those things because of him, I was all those things on my own.
It's taken me a long time to let go. There are some things I just have no control over...things I cannot change. There are things I will never get back and there are some people, like Erik and his mother, who will never be sorry or even believe that they've done anything wrong. But what I need to understand is that it is not my problem. It's theirs and I need to let it go.
To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore what happened during my relationship with Erik. It's not supposed to leave my feelings of grief, resentment, or anger toward him behind. Letting go isn’t about winning and it’s not about losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how we appear to others. It’s not obsessing or dwelling in the past. Letting go isn’t blocking the happy memories that I still think about nor is it forgetting about the terrifying ones that remain. It doesn’t leave my feelings of emptiness, hurt, or sadness behind either. It’s not giving up and it most certainly isn’t giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss. And it’s definitely not about defeat, either. To let go is to cherish the happy memories that I have so that I may overcome the bad memories and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in what the future holds for me. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning from the disappointments and remembering the losses so that I can appreciate all that will eventually come my way. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made me laugh and even be thankful for the ones that made me cry because both helped me grow. It’s about all that I have now, all that I had before, and all that I will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving on. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that having a heart that forgives can sometimes be the most potent remedy of all. Letting go is opening a door, so I can clear a path and finally set myself free. Because every sixty seconds I've spent upset is a minute of happiness that I can never get back. And why should I settle for less when I can have so much more?
You know just two days ago after I returned from spending 5 days with my kids, I sat in my garage and cried. Cried for what I'd wasted five years of my life on...for the what if's and the should have's that drove me crazy because I thought I did something wrong. If I would have continued beating myself up over it, that would've been wrong.
So from now on, I'm going to try to do what makes me feel good. I'm done with trying to please others only to get nothing in return. I'm with looking back and I am not going to sit here and wonder "what if?" anymore. I am not going to contemplate. I am going to keep steady moving forward, with you or without you...
So from now on, I'm going to try to do what makes me feel good. I'm done with trying to please others only to get nothing in return. I'm with looking back and I am not going to sit here and wonder "what if?" anymore. I am not going to contemplate. I am going to keep steady moving forward, with you or without you...
SO GET ONBOARD OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!
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