Caller ID, dog piss and mixed feelings about unwanted phone calls from my shitty ex...

So yesterday after Jessica left for work, I was in the garage smoking a cigarette while Kurac was sniffing around for a spot to take a piss. My phone rings and I look down at the caller ID. It said:

"Incoming Call
Erik Kaelin (mobile)"

I answered it and talked to him for approximately 10 minutes about our son Robbie. Now I've had a little over 24 hours to think about this but I'm not sure how I feel about him calling me.

What I do know is I'm going to take a shower, wash the smell of Kurac's piss off me and hopefully I won't still be pissy when I'm done. Either way, I'll let you know as soon as I ponder this a little more.

Jane McClain: A letter to Susan

I came across this last night when I was surfing the net:

http://janemcclain.blogspot.com/2010/09/letter-to-susan.html

It struck a chord. It struck one that most of the time I don't care to remember. Most of the time...

As I read her post there were tears streaming down my face. I, too, could relate. She wrote about being attacked face to face and about Susan's doing it from behind. I could relate because DICKHEAD attacked me face-to-face...from behind...from the side...from the top and even from the bottom.

I can remember the shock and disbelief as DICKHEAD's face contorted and the veins bulged from his forehead and neck while he sat on top of my chest choking me til my lips and fingertips went numb. I can remember thinking this is what it feels like to die as I wet my pants before I blacked out. I can recall waking up on the opposite side of our house and wondering how I got there and thinking maybe it had been some kind of bad dream. I can remember sitting up and looking around for DICKHEAD...finding him sitting on the ottoman in the shadows of the darkened room a 30 ott (sp?) six across his lap and a pistol on each knee. I remember feeling like I was going to puke as he snarled "Whoever comes through that door is gonna die, Linda. He's getting shot and then I'm going to beat the fuck outta you then I'm gonna kill you then I'm killing myself." I remember glancing toward the door and the absolute horror I felt as I saw he had nailed the door shut.

Yes, I could relate. The anguish I felt knowing that I was going to die...and that the man I'd lived with and loved for almost 9 years...that he was going to be the one to do it. Terror does not even begin to scratch the surface of me "relating" to Susan and Jane.

This is an experience no amount of time or therapy will erase...I glimpsed an anger so toxic, so dark and reckless......it was as if the devil himself were standing there preparing to devour me.

No amount of time or therapy nor could all the meth in the world ever erase any of it. My life turned upside down when I started dating DICKHEAD. It was turned upside down then back and so on and so on until I decided to walk away. In the process I lost my children too. He had convinced me to sign over the boys to his parents; they have temporary guardianship. He pretty much has no rights to them. Even less that I due to his record; however, nothing ever changed for him. Since the court order states it's up to his parents' discretion, he has always had access to the boys for the past 5 years. Whereas I've had to fight and struggle for the time I spend with them.

Jane was right when she said we won't ever get over it but we will get through it.

The past 5 years have been tough. So tough that there were many times I felt like throwing in the towel. But throwing in the towel would be the easy thing to do. Not only that, that is exactly what he expects me to do. And I'm not giving him what he wants. Not anymore. For nine years, I gave him everything I had. He took my pride, my self-worth, my energy, and my strength. He took my family and my friends from me. He let his parents take our children from me while he almost robbed me of all my self-esteem...almost.

Reading Jane's blog post and hearing about Susan is helping me heal. Which is probably why I wrote this. I'm not sure if anyone will read it or if it'll make a difference. But hopefully it will. I think back to all the times I'd felt alone...too many times to count. I hope that maybe one day someone in my shoes will come across this post...and know that all isn't lost. That there is hope and a better life somewhere down the road.

Thank you, Jane and Susan.

Letting go...

It's taken me over five years to finally start to feel better about myself and my breakup with Erik. It was a hard lesson learned, let me tell you. For years I tried to figure out why I wasn't good enough for him. Thoughts of "could have...", "would have..." and "what if..." were driving me insane. I'm not sure what snapped me out of it but one day, I realized something. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for him. On the contrary, he wasn't good enough for me. When I finally realized that, a weight was lifted off my chest. It was suddenly a little easier to breathe. And I began to let go...a little bit.

As that realization sank in, it suddenly came to me that life isn't always gonna have happy endings. Nothing is this world is perfect - NOTHING. Not everyone is going to love, appreciate, and/or approve of who or what I am. And you know what? That's okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. And no matter how much I want them to, not everyone is going to be there for me like I have been for them...no matter what the situation may be. It's hard for me not to put my wants and needs on anyone but myself. I shouldn't place my feelings on someone else's shoulders. Erik may have made me feel pretty, smart and important for a minute or two but I wasn't those things because of him, I was all those things on my own.

It's taken me a long time to let go. There are some things I just have no control over...things I cannot change. There are things I will never get back and there are some people, like Erik and his mother, who will never be sorry or even believe that they've done anything wrong. But what I need to understand is that it is not my problem. It's theirs and I need to let it go.

To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore what happened during my relationship with Erik. It's not supposed to leave my feelings of grief, resentment, or anger toward him behind. Letting go isn’t about winning and it’s not about losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how we appear to others. It’s not obsessing or dwelling in the past. Letting go isn’t blocking the happy memories that I still think about nor is it forgetting about the terrifying ones that remain. It doesn’t leave my feelings of emptiness, hurt, or sadness behind either. It’s not giving up and it most certainly isn’t giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss. And it’s definitely not about defeat, either. To let go is to cherish the happy memories that I have so that I may overcome the bad memories and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in what the future holds for me. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning from the disappointments and remembering the losses so that I can appreciate all that will eventually come my way. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made me laugh and even be thankful for the ones that made me cry because both helped me grow. It’s about all that I have now, all that I had before, and all that I will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving on. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that having a heart that forgives can sometimes be the most potent remedy of all. Letting go is opening a door, so I can clear a path and finally set myself free. Because every sixty seconds I've spent upset is a minute of happiness that I can never get back. And why should I settle for less when I can have so much more?

You know just two days ago after I returned from spending 5 days with my kids, I sat in my garage and cried. Cried for what I'd wasted five years of my life on...for the what if's and the should have's that drove me crazy because I thought I did something wrong. If I would have continued beating myself up over it, that would've been wrong.

So from now on, I'm going to try to do what makes me feel good. I'm done with trying to please others only to get nothing in return. I'm with looking back and I am not going to sit here and wonder "what if?" anymore. I am not going to contemplate. I am going to keep steady moving forward, with you or without you...

SO GET ONBOARD OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!