Once Upon A Time...

I'm not sure what made me click on Kevin's profile that morning. It could have been just be curiosity. Curiosity stemming from the fact that there was a woman standing with him in his profile picture? Yes, I have to be honest here - that's what made me look. But not because I still had feelings for him. I'll be perfectly truthful here, I didn't feel much of anything when I looked at his pictures. I felt nothing except...well, I'm not quite sure what to call it.

As I looked at the photos of him on his facebook profile, I barely saw the Kevin I met 22 years ago. In fact, I didn't see that Kevin at all. The All-American surfer boy was gone replaced by a tattooed man who looks hardened by life. Nothing remained of the boy I fell in love with. It made me sad - the realization that I don't even know him anymore - because at one point in my life I loved him very much. The weird thing about all of this was the fact that I hardly ever think about him anymore. Hell, I don't even think of him when I look at our son, Christian. And that's just sad.

It made me wonder if somewhere down the road maybe I will eventually end up doing the same thing when I think of Erik or Steve. I wondered if they would also fade from my memory the way Kevin had. I felt an emptiness when I realize that someone who once meant so much to me...well, that he never crosses my mind except if I hear someone mention his name. Or if, by chance, I hear a song that reminds me of our time together. But barring that, Kevin never crosses my mind.

When I looked at his photos that day, I noticed that one was taken on Father's Day. He was on a beach with a little girl who is probably about 9 years old. I assumed that she was his daughter, Alexis. As I looked at the picture, I felt slightly detatched. I wondered why I wasn't angry or hurt by this photo because when I stopped to think about it, I had only one photo of Christian and Kevin. But the photo was long gone as Erik destroyed it years ago. So the only anger I felt was directed at Erik for destroying the one thing Christian had of Kevin.

I thought about all the Father's Days that had come and gone...the ones where I always made sure Christian and I had Kevin cards and/or presents...we gave them even if we hadn't spoken to or seen him in months. I used to tell him that one day he wasn't going to get anything from Christian and I. That it'd be no one's fault but his own. He'd just give me that look, then say "Hmmmmph...yeah whatever...shut the fuck up."

After giving it much thought, I decided that I am going to shut the fuck up. Not because he told me to but because I want to...for our son Christian but most of all for myself. By shutting the fuck up, I want him to know that I harbor no ill will towards him nor do I hate him. I don't love him anymore. Do I still care for him? Maybe. But not in the sense that I think we could ever be together again because when I stop to think about it, I don't even know why I was with him in the first place. I still care for him because a long time ago, I did love him very very much. And despite everything, I cannot act like our time together did not exist. Because it did. And nothing either one of us says or does will ever change that. I guess I just want him to know that I don't want anything bad to ever happen to him. I won't bad mouth him even if I have a reason to. I just don't have it in me anymore.

Maybe I just forgive people too easy. Especially people that really don't deserve to be forgiven. I guess I'm writing this because I finally realized that I forgive not only Kevin but also myself. It's the only way I'll be able to let go so that I can finally move on.

It won't take away the times that we hurt each other nor does it make the pain go away. Those things happened and we cannot change them. But what's done is done. And life is too short for me to be pissed off at him anymore. Pissed off for the things that we could and should have done...for the things we said and didn't say...for so many things that really don't matter anymore. I just want for move forward with my life and I want the same for Kevin too.

A long time ago, on July 5, 1988, I met a boy named Kevin. Over the years, many things happened and we lost touch. I am not sure what he's doing now - I'm not sure it even matters anymore - but I hope that wherever life has taken him and whatever he is doing today, I pray that he is okay. I wish only the best for him...I really do.