Once Upon A Time...

I'm not sure what made me click on Kevin's profile that morning. It could have been just be curiosity. Curiosity stemming from the fact that there was a woman standing with him in his profile picture? Yes, I have to be honest here - that's what made me look. But not because I still had feelings for him. I'll be perfectly truthful here, I didn't feel much of anything when I looked at his pictures. I felt nothing except...well, I'm not quite sure what to call it.

As I looked at the photos of him on his facebook profile, I barely saw the Kevin I met 22 years ago. In fact, I didn't see that Kevin at all. The All-American surfer boy was gone replaced by a tattooed man who looks hardened by life. Nothing remained of the boy I fell in love with. It made me sad - the realization that I don't even know him anymore - because at one point in my life I loved him very much. The weird thing about all of this was the fact that I hardly ever think about him anymore. Hell, I don't even think of him when I look at our son, Christian. And that's just sad.

It made me wonder if somewhere down the road maybe I will eventually end up doing the same thing when I think of Erik or Steve. I wondered if they would also fade from my memory the way Kevin had. I felt an emptiness when I realize that someone who once meant so much to me...well, that he never crosses my mind except if I hear someone mention his name. Or if, by chance, I hear a song that reminds me of our time together. But barring that, Kevin never crosses my mind.

When I looked at his photos that day, I noticed that one was taken on Father's Day. He was on a beach with a little girl who is probably about 9 years old. I assumed that she was his daughter, Alexis. As I looked at the picture, I felt slightly detatched. I wondered why I wasn't angry or hurt by this photo because when I stopped to think about it, I had only one photo of Christian and Kevin. But the photo was long gone as Erik destroyed it years ago. So the only anger I felt was directed at Erik for destroying the one thing Christian had of Kevin.

I thought about all the Father's Days that had come and gone...the ones where I always made sure Christian and I had Kevin cards and/or presents...we gave them even if we hadn't spoken to or seen him in months. I used to tell him that one day he wasn't going to get anything from Christian and I. That it'd be no one's fault but his own. He'd just give me that look, then say "Hmmmmph...yeah whatever...shut the fuck up."

After giving it much thought, I decided that I am going to shut the fuck up. Not because he told me to but because I want to...for our son Christian but most of all for myself. By shutting the fuck up, I want him to know that I harbor no ill will towards him nor do I hate him. I don't love him anymore. Do I still care for him? Maybe. But not in the sense that I think we could ever be together again because when I stop to think about it, I don't even know why I was with him in the first place. I still care for him because a long time ago, I did love him very very much. And despite everything, I cannot act like our time together did not exist. Because it did. And nothing either one of us says or does will ever change that. I guess I just want him to know that I don't want anything bad to ever happen to him. I won't bad mouth him even if I have a reason to. I just don't have it in me anymore.

Maybe I just forgive people too easy. Especially people that really don't deserve to be forgiven. I guess I'm writing this because I finally realized that I forgive not only Kevin but also myself. It's the only way I'll be able to let go so that I can finally move on.

It won't take away the times that we hurt each other nor does it make the pain go away. Those things happened and we cannot change them. But what's done is done. And life is too short for me to be pissed off at him anymore. Pissed off for the things that we could and should have done...for the things we said and didn't say...for so many things that really don't matter anymore. I just want for move forward with my life and I want the same for Kevin too.

A long time ago, on July 5, 1988, I met a boy named Kevin. Over the years, many things happened and we lost touch. I am not sure what he's doing now - I'm not sure it even matters anymore - but I hope that wherever life has taken him and whatever he is doing today, I pray that he is okay. I wish only the best for him...I really do.

Letting go...

It's taken me over five years to finally start to feel better about myself and my breakup with Erik. It was a hard lesson learned, let me tell you. For years I tried to figure out why I wasn't good enough for him. Thoughts of "could have...", "would have..." and "what if..." were driving me insane. I'm not sure what snapped me out of it but one day, I realized something. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for him. On the contrary, he wasn't good enough for me. When I finally realized that, a weight was lifted off my chest. It was suddenly a little easier to breathe. And I began to let go...a little bit.

As that realization sank in, it suddenly came to me that life isn't always gonna have happy endings. Nothing is this world is perfect - NOTHING. Not everyone is going to love, appreciate, and/or approve of who or what I am. And you know what? That's okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. And no matter how much I want them to, not everyone is going to be there for me like I have been for them...no matter what the situation may be. It's hard for me not to put my wants and needs on anyone but myself. I shouldn't place my feelings on someone else's shoulders. Erik may have made me feel pretty, smart and important for a minute or two but I wasn't those things because of him, I was all those things on my own.

It's taken me a long time to let go. There are some things I just have no control over...things I cannot change. There are things I will never get back and there are some people, like Erik and his mother, who will never be sorry or even believe that they've done anything wrong. But what I need to understand is that it is not my problem. It's theirs and I need to let it go.

To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore what happened during my relationship with Erik. It's not supposed to leave my feelings of grief, resentment, or anger toward him behind. Letting go isn’t about winning and it’s not about losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how we appear to others. It’s not obsessing or dwelling in the past. Letting go isn’t blocking the happy memories that I still think about nor is it forgetting about the terrifying ones that remain. It doesn’t leave my feelings of emptiness, hurt, or sadness behind either. It’s not giving up and it most certainly isn’t giving in. Letting go isn’t about loss. And it’s definitely not about defeat, either. To let go is to cherish the happy memories that I have so that I may overcome the bad memories and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in what the future holds for me. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning from the disappointments and remembering the losses so that I can appreciate all that will eventually come my way. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made me laugh and even be thankful for the ones that made me cry because both helped me grow. It’s about all that I have now, all that I had before, and all that I will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving on. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that having a heart that forgives can sometimes be the most potent remedy of all. Letting go is opening a door, so I can clear a path and finally set myself free. Because every sixty seconds I've spent upset is a minute of happiness that I can never get back. And why should I settle for less when I can have so much more?

You know just two days ago after I returned from spending 5 days with my kids, I sat in my garage and cried. Cried for what I'd wasted five years of my life on...for the what if's and the should have's that drove me crazy because I thought I did something wrong. If I would have continued beating myself up over it, that would've been wrong.

So from now on, I'm going to try to do what makes me feel good. I'm done with trying to please others only to get nothing in return. I'm with looking back and I am not going to sit here and wonder "what if?" anymore. I am not going to contemplate. I am going to keep steady moving forward, with you or without you...

SO GET ONBOARD OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!