Jane McClain: A letter to Susan

I came across this last night when I was surfing the net:

http://janemcclain.blogspot.com/2010/09/letter-to-susan.html

It struck a chord. It struck one that most of the time I don't care to remember. Most of the time...

As I read her post there were tears streaming down my face. I, too, could relate. She wrote about being attacked face to face and about Susan's doing it from behind. I could relate because DICKHEAD attacked me face-to-face...from behind...from the side...from the top and even from the bottom.

I can remember the shock and disbelief as DICKHEAD's face contorted and the veins bulged from his forehead and neck while he sat on top of my chest choking me til my lips and fingertips went numb. I can remember thinking this is what it feels like to die as I wet my pants before I blacked out. I can recall waking up on the opposite side of our house and wondering how I got there and thinking maybe it had been some kind of bad dream. I can remember sitting up and looking around for DICKHEAD...finding him sitting on the ottoman in the shadows of the darkened room a 30 ott (sp?) six across his lap and a pistol on each knee. I remember feeling like I was going to puke as he snarled "Whoever comes through that door is gonna die, Linda. He's getting shot and then I'm going to beat the fuck outta you then I'm gonna kill you then I'm killing myself." I remember glancing toward the door and the absolute horror I felt as I saw he had nailed the door shut.

Yes, I could relate. The anguish I felt knowing that I was going to die...and that the man I'd lived with and loved for almost 9 years...that he was going to be the one to do it. Terror does not even begin to scratch the surface of me "relating" to Susan and Jane.

This is an experience no amount of time or therapy will erase...I glimpsed an anger so toxic, so dark and reckless......it was as if the devil himself were standing there preparing to devour me.

No amount of time or therapy nor could all the meth in the world ever erase any of it. My life turned upside down when I started dating DICKHEAD. It was turned upside down then back and so on and so on until I decided to walk away. In the process I lost my children too. He had convinced me to sign over the boys to his parents; they have temporary guardianship. He pretty much has no rights to them. Even less that I due to his record; however, nothing ever changed for him. Since the court order states it's up to his parents' discretion, he has always had access to the boys for the past 5 years. Whereas I've had to fight and struggle for the time I spend with them.

Jane was right when she said we won't ever get over it but we will get through it.

The past 5 years have been tough. So tough that there were many times I felt like throwing in the towel. But throwing in the towel would be the easy thing to do. Not only that, that is exactly what he expects me to do. And I'm not giving him what he wants. Not anymore. For nine years, I gave him everything I had. He took my pride, my self-worth, my energy, and my strength. He took my family and my friends from me. He let his parents take our children from me while he almost robbed me of all my self-esteem...almost.

Reading Jane's blog post and hearing about Susan is helping me heal. Which is probably why I wrote this. I'm not sure if anyone will read it or if it'll make a difference. But hopefully it will. I think back to all the times I'd felt alone...too many times to count. I hope that maybe one day someone in my shoes will come across this post...and know that all isn't lost. That there is hope and a better life somewhere down the road.

Thank you, Jane and Susan.