On April Fool's Day in 2006, Erik married Michelle in Tahoe. For most of the next 6 years, I was in suspended animation. I pretty much kept thinking that Erik would eventually call me and say "April Fool's!!!" And everything would go back to normal. Today is the first time that I have not woken up hoping he'd call...wishing for my phone to ring...just so I could hear those words from his mouth.
If anyone would have told me that one day I'd be happy without him, I would have told them they were crazy. But now that I am happy, I can look back and say that the only crazy person was me. See, I wasn't happy without Erik but I sure as fuck wasn't happy (or anything remotely close to it) with him. I had know that for years. We weren't nice to each other. We were both miserable. So I left. And was miserable still.
I think I thought that I needed to be with him because if I was going to be miserable, at least I could be miserable with him. I was used to that. But I wasn't used to being alone and miserable. That was something I couldn't deal with. For a while I thought everything he said to me was true. Who was going to want me? I had all these kids (even though they weren't with me) and who was going to want a woman with six kids? Not that I wanted someone to take care of my kids because they have a father (yes, he is a sorry one but he is their dad) but if you hear something enough you start to believe it. And I did...I believed that no man was going to want me and no matter how many people told me how pretty, smart, loving I was none of that mattered because I couldn't shake how depressed I had become because our relationship ended.
I am not sure when or how I came out of the fog that surrounded me in re: Erik. I don't recall a moment in time where the light bulb went off over my head to let me know that I was going to be okay. That one day I would meet someone who would love and cherish me. That there was someone out there who would protect me and never hurt me physically or mentally like Erik did. Even though I believe in Prince Charming and Happily Ever Afters, I had seriously started to think I'd never live to see either. But I have.
My days of waiting to hear the phone ring and Erik's voice say "April Fool's!!" are over. At least in the way I wanted to hear it. It is a joke that I thought that's what I wanted to hear for the past six years. It is a joke that I continued to give him that time - on top of everything else that I gave him - to hurt me. But you know what? The jokes on him.
Because I have someone that loves and cherishes me...someone that wants to protect me and tells me everyday how lucky he is to have me...someone that doesn't abuse mentally or physically...and that someone is sitting just a couple of feet away from me right now. I have someone who shows me everyday what love is...not what it isn't.
It's been six years...more if you throw in the actual amount of time Erik & I were together. But I'm done. It is over...for real this time. Really truly over.
Thank God.
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