worthless
adjective
1. without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing.

A couple of days ago, I was told (by my significant other, no less) that I'm worthless. To quote him verbatim he said, "You're completely worthless, you fucking cunt." Now, I don't know about you but there is only one way to interpret that. There is no way that a person could misinterpret what the speaker was saying. It is the most negative thing anyone has said to me in eons. Hell, probaly the most horrible thing anyone has ever said to me in my life. The fact that the person who said it doesn't think there is anything wrong with what he said to me is something I find absolutely mind-boggling. This came from the same person that prides himself on having never told any of his exes that they were fat or ugly or basically anything that would hurt them to the point of scarring their psyches. Well maybe I"m just a big baby or perhaps I didn't get the memo that says talking to the person you love like that is acceptable. For the record, I do not think it is acceptable to speak to anyone like that - period. It is heartbreaking. This has wounded me all the way down to my core. It almost feels like I will never recover from being told that. I feel like I may never be the same again after having been told I am worth nothing. This hurts me with the same sharp pain in my heart that I felt when Erik told me he hated me & that baby in my stomach. It is a pain that words cannot accurately describe. How does a person say that then expect the other to act as if everything is okay? Because it's not okay. Neither am I. How is that going to make me want to do anything except lay in bed & cry? How is that supposed to make me want to stay in the same room with him? Because all I want to do after hearing that is roll into a fetal position & cry. It is beyond depressing.

The worst part is I can't UN-hear it.

Pssst! Nicole, I need you to do me a favor up there...

Today, when I was running errands, I got a frantic text from one of my BFFs, Marie. She wanted me to call her; her cousin, Kevin, had killed himself. I pulled over on I-880 and called her.

She was, obviously, very upset. She didn't go into specifics (and I didn't ask) and we only spoke for a few minutes. She wanted to know if she could have my pitbull Boomer when she got back to town for a few days. I told her of course she could. After we hung up, I drove to the county building in silence tears rolling down my face.

My heart ached for my friend and her cousin. I sat there in the parking lot and I immediately thought of when my beautiful cousin Andricia passed away last summer. 

One of the first things I did was pray. I prayed to God for her & for our family. Then I prayed for Nicole to please find her when she gets there...when she gets to Heaven...so she wouldn't be scared. I wanted Nicole to be there with her million dollar smile that would reassure her everything was going to be okay. Because that's what her smile always did for me when I'd see it.

Well today I prayed again. To God for Marie's family and esecially for Kevin. Then I asked Nicole to please find Kevin and do the same for him. And to please...please send me a sign that you found him. I need to know everything is going to be okay so I can tell Marie so maybe her heart won't hurt so much.

After I went home, I was cleaning out a box of what looked like garbage in it. At the bottom was a little ceramic butterfly. Butterflies always remind me of Nicole. This one was brighly colored and shiny. Like Nicole's smile.

Sparkly...sparkly like a holiday.

That was my sign. My sign that Nicole found him. I think she may have already been waiting for him before I asked her for that favor. I just wish Marie & her family could have known Nicole. I wish they could have seen her beautiful million dollar smile. Because if they had, they'd know that Kevin is with her...and everything is going to be okay.

I didn't forget to tell you Happy Birthday earlier this month, my friend. I've just been busy with life. But you know, thanks to God, what is in my heart. And for that, I am grateful.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLE!! THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME THE
BUTTERFLY TODAY...AND THANK YOU FOR LOOKING OUT FOR KEVIN. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY GUARDIAN ANGEL. THANKS FOR ALWAYS LISTENING TO ME. MISS & LOVE YOU MUCH. KEEP DANCING WITH THE ANGELS... <3  <3 <3

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Happy Mother's Day, Momma

After I got home from work tonight and ate my dinner, I wanted to write a Happy Mother's Day type blog complete with a photo or two of my totally awesome, smart, beautiful mom. Then I realized, in horror, that I have no pictures of my mom and myself. They were all destroyed by someone - who shall be nameless - years ago.

Though I am understandably upset, I am not going to let that idiot take away who this blog is about and why I am writing it. This is about my mom. I miss her very much and I wish more than anything that I could see her right about now. I hope she had a wonderful day today.

I la lu, momma.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Bulls**t...it was all a bunch of BULLS**T!!!

Last night I logged into facebook & read something I just couldn't believe. BGPD HAS CONFIRMED THAT TRISH IS NOT DEAD - IT WAS AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE!

Really?! Really?! I mean who does things like that? Who? What kind of sick person thinks that is funny? Playing with emotions of not just me but of several (I can think of at least 20 off the top of my head) people. And people you don't even know!

Yes, for the last 2 weeks I have been devastated thinking that one of my best friends from high school was killed in an ATV accident...that her children were facing an uncertain future...that I would never see her beautiful smile again in this lifetime...that we wouldn't get to see each other at our 25th class reunion in October...only to find out that someone thought it was a cool joke to play on April Fool's Day.

TRISH IS NOT DEAD!!!

While I am happy that my friend might still be alive - I won't believe anything til I speak to her myself - I am completely livid that someone would fuck with the emotions of so many people. We had a FUCKING MEMORIAL for her! Only to find out it was COMPLETE & UTTER BULLSHIT!!!

On a happier note...I LOVE YOU TRISH!!! CALL ME!!!

The Three Amigos - me, Angel & Trish

I will always remember the times we spent together - the carnival & Lido Lanes; eating cheese fries at brunch; going to football games on Friday nights & Round Table after; that HUGE cage of rats in Wolfie's (Vince Ferdile) room at his house parties; caravaning on foot from my gramma's house to Lorri Farr's house then off to Lino's house and last stop Ed Koopman's house & back again - watching out for those barking spiders on the way! Whether we were spending the night at my gramma's so we could go to one of Jimmy Wouters' parties or Jack Ruef's annual Toga party or  cruising Carl's Junior, it was always an adventure with you both - the Bush incident was something we still laughed about after 25+ years!! You were an absolutely wonderful friend, beautiful & kind...a "spitfire", just like Angel described. You overcame many things in your short life that would make most people break. The thing standing out most in my mind has always been the fact that you were adopted. Not so much that but having the parents you had. Anyone who was close to you knows what I mean. Not to bash anyone but they lacked parenting skills. <~ I'm being kind, aren't I? Despite being raised by them, you were determined not to make the same mistakes when you became a parent. And you didn't. You became a nurse & you raised two beautiful children on your own, Trish. I was looking forward to seeing you in October at our reunion; however, God had different plans for you. Though I haven't seen you in about 20 years, we reconnected on fb & it seemed like it was just yesterday that we just woke up in the bushes! I already miss you so much it hurts. We had some great heart to heart chats in the last couple years & I'm gonna miss them. You were always there for me when I was down...taking the time to offer words of encouragement whenever I needed it. Just like the old days. Speaking of the old days, I got in touch with Angel. I just wish it was under different circumstances. It is heartbreaking when I think we won't get to reunite in October. Angel and I have been in touch with Lacey and I promise we'll look out for her as well as Bubba too. Lacey really seems lost without you & it breaks my heart. I wish they were closer or I had an unlimited amount of cash so I could be there for them. Right now it is important for them to know they have people who loved you that love & care for them too. I'm gonna do my best to let them know this. The important thing is to let them know that you'll always be with them...you'll always be in their hearts. Thank you for always being such a good friend, Trish. Until we meet again, know that you are missed & I love you. 

Trish Niblock Mefford
Sunrise June 29, 1970 - Sunset April 1, 2013

Rest in Peace, sweet girl...

In loving memory of Trish Niblock Mefford (1970-2013)

If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
and each time that you think of me I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I’d say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realised that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I’d miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I’ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past but here it’s starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last.
and since each day’s the same, there’s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting, so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.
And you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?"

So if tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me, please know I’m in your heart.

Sins of the father...

About week or so ago, I read the status update of my 13 year old son's girlfriend. She basically said she wasn't going to put up with violence in a relationship. In a semi-panic, I commented "Please tell me Bert is not acting like his dad. Please call me."

Within minutes, I was on the phone with her & she explained what had happened. By the time she finished, I felt like throwing up. I have always prayed that this day would not come. The day when I would discover that one of my boys would display the dark, violent traits of their father.

Over six years ago, I left Erik because I was in fear for my life. I thought he was going to kill me. So I knew the terror of being told "You're not going anywhere." Being pushed, shoved, slapped, held down, and everything else you can possibly imagine. Jewel is fourteen & my son is 13 years old. He is only thirteen years old. I cannot fathom what he will be like by the time he is 18 year old.

I love my son but I am so disappointed. Not just in him but most of all in myself. I feel responsible. I feel responsible because of what he had to see when Erik & I were together. I feel responsible because I did not leave when it started...because I stayed as long as I did...that I did not leave before it was too late. Too late for him to not think that it was okay to put hands on girls. Hell, put hands on anyone - male or female.

Today I found out that Robbie got punched in the face for putting hands on Jewel...by Lesilei, the girl across the street. While I am glad someone put him in his place, it makes me sad too.

I have a feeling that this will somehow end up being my fault. That if I hadn't made Erik hit me...if I'd have just kept my mouth shut...Robbie wouldn't be in the predicament he found himself in today. That is what I have been told for years now.

I am not sure if children really inherit these traits from their parents, but it is obvious that the patterns are passed down. There are many factors that contribute; however, I feel that culture, ethnicity and gender steered my son in this particular direction, as did his father & I. And I feel ashamed and humiliated all over again.

"Up to 10 million children in the U.S. are exposed to domestic violence annually. Boys that are exposed to domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their partners as adults...Because violence is a learned behavior, the cycle continues to the next generation unless it is stopped."

The boy that got clocked today for putting his hands on his sweet beautiful girlfriend a couple of weeks ago...that boy is my child. And, God help him, but he is just like his father.

The jokes on you, DICKHEAD!!!

Six years. Or 52,608 hours...which is equivalent to 3,156,480 minutes...or 189,388,800 seconds. My life changed on April 1, 2006. Of course I did not know, at the time, that it would eventually be for the better. It has been a long journey over approximately six years to figure that part out.

On April Fool's Day in 2006, Erik married Michelle in Tahoe. For most of the next 6 years, I was in suspended animation. I pretty much kept thinking that Erik would eventually call me and say "April Fool's!!!" And everything would go back to normal. Today is the first time that I have not woken up hoping he'd call...wishing for my phone to ring...just so I could hear those words from his mouth.

If anyone would have told me that one day I'd be happy without him, I would have told them they were crazy. But now that I am happy, I can look back and say that the only crazy person was me. See, I wasn't happy without Erik but I sure as fuck wasn't happy (or anything remotely close to it) with him. I had know that for years. We weren't nice to each other. We were both miserable. So I left. And was miserable still.

I think I thought that I needed to be with him because if I was going to be miserable, at least I could be miserable with him. I was used to that. But I wasn't used to being alone and miserable. That was something I couldn't deal with. For a while I thought everything he said to me was true. Who was going to want me? I had all these kids (even though they weren't with me) and who was going to want a woman with six kids? Not that I wanted someone to take care of my kids because they have a father (yes, he is a sorry one but he is their dad) but if you hear something enough you start to believe it. And I did...I believed that no man was going to want me and no matter how many people told me how pretty, smart, loving I was none of that mattered because I couldn't shake how depressed I had become because our relationship ended.

I am not sure when or how I came out of the fog that surrounded me in re: Erik. I don't recall a moment in time where the light bulb went off over my head to let me know that I was going to be okay. That one day I would meet someone who would love and cherish me. That there was someone out there who would protect me and never hurt me physically or mentally like Erik did. Even though I believe in Prince Charming and Happily Ever Afters, I had seriously started to think I'd never live to see either. But I have.

My days of waiting to hear the phone ring and Erik's voice say "April Fool's!!" are over. At least in the way I wanted to hear it. It is a joke that I thought that's what I wanted to hear for the past six years. It is a joke that I continued to give him that time - on top of everything else that I gave him - to hurt me. But you know what? The jokes on him.

Because I have someone that loves and cherishes me...someone that wants to protect me and tells me everyday how lucky he is to have me...someone that doesn't abuse mentally or physically...and that someone is sitting just a couple of feet away from me right now. I have someone who shows me everyday what love is...not what it isn't.

It's been six years...more if you throw in the actual amount of time Erik & I were together. But I'm done. It is over...for real this time. Really truly over.
Thank God.

How sweet is this?I

I don't have much time today to blog but I just had to post this pic and let everyone know how awesome my boyfriend is...HE TOTALLY ROCKS! When I got off BART & into his truck last night, the beautiful roses you see above were waiting for me. They're so freakin' pretty - pink & yellow. Never seen roses that color before. He is so sweet to me I almost can't stand it!

I've been disappointed so much in the past few years that I had almost forgot what it felt like to actually be in love. I was beginning to think there is no such thing as Prince Charming and that fairy tales were just...well a figament of my imagination. You know, just plain BULLSHIT. Of course I wanted so much to believe in love and all but I was beginning to get sour.

Thank God I held onto that little glimmer of hope. He may not have galloped up on a white horse (or a surfboard) but he's here. And he's helped restore my faith in human nature.

Thank you so much, Albie! I love you!!

Peace out 2011...Bring it 2012!!!

Well I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we survived New Year's Eve & we both looked HOT!!! But the bad news is we didn't take any photographs. At least I didn't. Of course there are a couple pics that other people took of him and posted. I, on the other hand, was not photographed. Haters. I'm not surprised.

We managed to get home by midnight. In fact, someone (who shall be nameless) was puking on the way home. But I had him tucked in with barf bowl by 11:59pm. He was snoring by the stoke of midnight. I exchanged "Happy New Years!" with his two boys before crawling into bed around 12:05am.

No pics of me in my the outfit that for once wasn't slutty but actually understated and somewhat elegant. Basic black skinny slacks & black sleeveless cowl necked top. I didn't have a wonderbra on so my boobs weren't in 3D. We both had matching alien pendants. Mine on a silver choker. His was pinned to his green/black striped tie. My sexy lingerie - new bra, panties, garter belt w/thigh highs - would have to wait for another time. Believe it or not, I am okay with that.

I didn't think I had really drank all that much on NYE but at around 4:30am when Al woke up to pee and throw up again, I woke up too. Only this time, I had an excruciating headache behind my right eye. Couldn't fall back to sleep for nothing. I still kind of have a headache. But I guess all in all my New Years went off without a hitch. I had the best date ever...I met a lot of his friends...I even got to see him sing two songs. The highlight of that was when he came over to me and yelled "This is Norma...she's my girl!" or something just as embarrassing. I actually blushed...imagine that. :)

Anyways my sweetheart is in Clear Lake visiting his grandma so today I'm gonna chill with Dizz-nizzle for a little bit. I've got to work tomorrow til Wednesday morning. I'm probably start working nights soon. More money. Weekends free with my kids & my honey.

I don't know about you but 2012 is looking pretty good so far!!!

New Year 2012

For the first time in almost 20 years, I will be going out on New Year's Eve. Yes, you read it correctly. I am going out on New Year's Eve with a date and everything. It might seem like no big deal to most people but since I have been without a significant other for the past 6 years (Mr. Big & Steve Rengel don't really count as significant others) it is a very big deal to me.

I never thought I was someone that really gave 2 shits about having someone to kiss when the ball drops at midnight but then again I also thought that I'd be with Erik for the rest of my life. And we all know that forever came a bit too soon as far as he & I were concerned. Yet the thought of having someone as amazing as my new honey...well let's just say that I didn't think he really existed - even though I hoped & prayed for a guy like him to come along and prove me wrong.

On the eve of my birthday last week, I felt like things were too good to be true. We had a little incident that almost made me give up hope. Sorta like when things are going so well that it's only a matter of time before something is bound to come along and fuck it all up. It had me all freaked out and depressed through the whole weekend. It made my birthday suck and my Christmas suck. And I'd thought it was going to make the New Year suck too.

But while I was at work on Christmas night - at the Loosli family Christmas dinner - I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It started when Julie told me I wouldn't be working on New Year's Eve. The lights are getting brighter and brighter for me and I can't wait til tomorrow night!

In case I don't get around to posting anything before tomorrow night, I just wanted to say I hope everyone has a safe and very Happy New Year!!!

Oh and thanks in advance, honey. I know I'm going to have the best time...because every day we spend together has been the best day ever and they just keep getting better. I love you!!!

Happy Almost Birthday to me...

I don't know why I thought this year would be different or that for once I had found someone to prove all the others wrong. Yet here I sit on the eve of what should be a happy occasion and I'm once again feeling completely fucked off, sad and alone. I hope I am wrong. I hope and pray with every ounce of my being that I am wrong. All I can do is pray. And hope that I am right about this one.
To be continued...

I believe...

After all...

I haven't been much for writing lately. I'm not quite sure why. There certainly has been enough happening in my life lately. Yet still no desire to write.

So this is the deal...tomorrow is November 22. If I'm remembering correctly, Prince Charming should be arriving to whisk me off my feet in the next week or so. But who knows? He was supposed to be here in May...then June...then he wasn't coming at all...then he reappears again.

Basically, since Steve Rengel dumped me, I have been trying to find someone to occupy my time. Which has left me feeling angry. Angry because I am alone and because I meet guys that say all the right things but turn out to be idiots or just lame in general. So then I'm all depressed and mad and that sucks. I think I will just stop trying to find someone to amuse me. Hell I'm a nice person. Someone once told me, "You're like a bright ass light...people flock to you like a moth to the flame. You don't have to do anything except sit there and be you." Okay so I think I'm just going  to sit here and wait. At least I will try to.

I'd like to believe that there are Prince Charmings in this world and that he's going to come charging up on a white horse (or surfboard, in my case)...that all the things I've read in fairy tales are true...and that he is going to take me away from all this. A girl can dream, no? It'd be a shame to have to sue Disney for false advertisement, don't you think?

Anyhow, I will try to write more. I think I feel better when I write. It clears my head. Otherwise I just stew and drive myself up the wall.

NICOLE CAROL MILLER
March 4, 1980 - September 11, 2001

 

"You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

 - David Harkins

Once Upon A Time...

A couple of months ago, my cousin messaged me on facebook and said he wanted me to meet someone. It had been almost 2 months Steve Rengel dumped me and I wasn't exactly keen on the opposite sex; however, I knew that the only way to get over Steve was to date someone else. Ordinarily I wouldn't give anyone Kenny put in front of me the time of day but I was bored and did a little I-SPY on facebook. The guy was actually good looking...and, after perusing his profile with a fine tooth comb, I came to the conclusion that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

It wasn't a bad idea at all. In fact, it was just what I needed.

The Goods came blazing into my life with flowers on our first date...he opened doors...showered me with compliments...and most important, he made me laugh. He treated me with respect and called me his "Princess". He has treated me the way I deserve to be treated and for the past 2 months, everything has been almost too good to be true...until today.

This afternoon I sent him my usual afternoon text to which he informed me of some news that could change everything. I can't go into specifics but I will say that I feel like our relationship is going to be over before it really had a chance to begin.

After Steve Rengel dumped me, I had a hard time because he had told me that it wasn't anything I did...that I was always good to him (even when he didn't deserve me to be)...so if I was so awesome and understanding and such a great girlfriend, why did he dump me?

Not that it matters to me anymore why Steve Rengel broke up with me because since I met the Goods, I don't care. Meeting him was just what the doctor ordered. We make each other happy and if I look down 10 years down the road, he'd be the one I see by my side. I knew when I started going out with Steve Rengel  that he would never be my Prince Charming. I was almost convinced there is no such thing. Then Kenny brought me the Goods.

The Goods restored my faith in human nature. I forgot what it was like to have someone treat me with respect and bring me flowers and open doors and treat me like a Princess. He didn't just want to get down my pants. In fact, that concept was completely foreign to me. He makes me feel safe and I know he'd defend my honor in a heartbeat. He even introduced me to everyone as "the New Love of My Life."

I know that his newfound "problem" isn't really a "problem" at all.  I'd support any decisions he makes and be there to lend a helping hand in anyway. We could work through this together, as a couple or as friends. I know that I make him happy. And he makes me just as happy as I make him. Yet it seems like he's ready to throw happiness away with both hands. I hope that I'm just PMSing and that the uneasy feeling I've had all afternoon isn't because he wants to dump me.

I've come to the sick realization that Walt Disney was full of shit. Prince Charming is a fag and forever is nothing more than bullshit. The funny thing is deep down in my heart, I want the Goods to prove me wrong. I'm pray to God I'm wrong. Otherwise, I'm seriously considering suing Walt Disney for false advertisement...because for all his fairy tales and stories of Prince Charming, it seems to me that there's no such thing as "Happily Ever After..."

Or is there?

Because you were in it...

"...and, when he shall die,

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine

That all the world will be in love with night,

And pay no worship to the garish sun."

~William Shakespeare

Ten years ago, I lost my friend Nicole Miller. She was a passenger on United Flight 93 on September 11, 2001. In the ten years since her death, I have thought of her every day. Some people have asked me why I still look at pictures of her or watch anything Flight 93/September 11 related. Some are shocked when I say that I don't want to forget what happened that day. Maybe it's because all they see is me crying because I lost my friend that day. Maybe not.

Though looking at her pictures and watching random videos may make me cry and miss her, the upside (for want of a better word) is that I know in my heart how fortunate I was to have known her at all. Her life, short as it may have been, was a blessing to me. For some unknown reason, in God's plan for me, he chose to cross her path with mine. And what a gift that has turned out to be!!!

Last night after I watched the following video online, I was given another gift.

For the first time in ten years, I was able to hear something I had thought I'd never hear again in this lifetime. It was the sound of her voice. I was able to close my eyes and for a few seconds, it's almost as if she was here with me in the same room. The only thing missing is not being able to open my eyes and see her "sparkly like a holiday" smile that always made everything seem like it was going to be okay. God knows I wish I could see it right about now.

As I've said many times before, time doesn't really heal all wounds. It doesn't make the pain any less painful with each passing day. All time has done is showed me a million different ways to hide it and not let anyone see how much it still hurts me.

The pain that was caused by the events of that fateful morning will never give me any "closure" and I'm not sure I want it to. Closure is an end to something. It means something finally ending. Though Nicole's life on earth ended ten years ago, I wouldn't do her justice to just stop thinking about her. Part of that is how she lived but also how she died.

I think in order to appreciate the good things in life, you've got to go through bad things. I've learned that both will help you appreciate life and the people in it.

A few days ago I watched an old episode of Dateline titled "No Greater Love". It was about the passengers and crew of Flight 93. Towards the end, Nicole's boyfriend Ryan said something in her eulogy that I think about often. He said, "I am not sure that I've learned anything in the last 11 days but what I do know is that my life...our lives...were better because she was in it."

Nicole Carol Miller

Sunrise

March 4, 1980

Sunset

September 11, 2001

Yes, Ryan. Our lives were much better because she was in it. I miss you, Nicole...more than anyone could possibly know.

I was at Safeway earlier tonight and as I stood in line at the checkout, the lady in front of me asked "Aren't you sick of all this September 11th crap?"


WOW.

My first instinct was to punch her in the mouth but instead I just took a deep breath and silently counted to ten. As I exhaled, my left hand went to my right wrist and I pulled down the stainless steel 9/11 NYPD Memorial bracelet. I slipped it off my arm and rubbed it as if trying to draw strength from it. I knew I was going to need it if I was going to speak without my voice cracking.

"I mean, honestly, it's been ten years...let it go already. Stop beating a dead horse..." she droned on about the news coverage of the upcoming memorials planned for next week. "Seriously...we're on the west coast. What the hell do we have to do with it?"

Suddenly a strong firm voice replied "I'll tell you what we have to do with it, lady. Or rather what I have to do with it. Number 1 - I am an American. Number 2 - I lost someone that day. Number 3 - the day we forget about what happened that day is the day it's bound to happen again. Look I'm all for free speech and I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion...but I don't understand. I don't understand how you can ask that question without considering whether or not anyone has any personal ties to 9/11. Well I happen to have a personal interest in September 11 - my friend Nicole was on United Flight 93. So I'll be damned if I just let it go or forget what happened that day. You should be ashamed of yourself for being such an asshole."

It was then that I realized the voice that spoke those words was my very own. My two hands were balled up in fists and in one of them was my bracelet. I shoved it towards her. You could've heard a pin drop...the customers at the surrounding registers were staring at me wide-eyed. I squared my shoulders and asked her to please read the inscription.

She took the bracelet and held it gingerly. In a shaky voice, she read "The first line says: NYPD - 23 - WTC." She cleared her throat and continued "The bottom line says: 9 - 11 - 01." She gave it back to me and whispered "Sorry...I had no idea."

An older gentleman behind me asked where I got the bracelet and if he could see it. I handed it to him and he asked what the 23 meant. I explained that Bernard Kerik gave me the bracelet. At the time of the attacks, Mr. Kerik had been the Police Commissioner. He had lost 23 members of his security detail that day.

I don't remember much more about the rest of the night as I've been in a daze. It's almost 10 years. That's a long time to reflect...most of the time it seems like yesterday while other times it feels like it was a million years ago.

I'm sure I'll write again sometime in the next week. For now, I am exhausted. I forgot how out-of-whack and tired I get around this time of year.


I miss you, Nicole Miller. I really do.

Nervous

In a few hours, I will meet my friend Nicole's mother, Cathy, for the first time. I am also going to meet Grant for the first time as well. I am not nervous about meeting Grant at all. But I am scared I will cry when I meet Cathy. In fact, I am quite certain I will.

After meeting up with Grant at his hotel, we will drive to Nicole's house in San Jose. I will be in the house that Nicole grew up in. I will sit on the same furniture that she one sat on...be in the same rooms that she once laughed in, cried in, and lived in. I might even drink from the same glasses that she once drank from. I will probably shake her mom's hand and/or even hug her at some point today. None of these things scare me and they shouldn't make me nervous but they do.

I don't want to cry or look like a sissy lala but how can I not cry when I talk about Nicole? Especially when I'm talking to the woman that brought her into this world? There is no doubt in my mind that she'll ask me how I met her daughter and maybe even what my favorite memory of her is. I don't want to sound foolish when I tell her that my favorite memory is one I have after she passed away. But I will tell her and I will most likely than not cry. Not because I'm sad but because it was her daughter's memory that gave me the strength and courage to leave Erik. That it was Nicole's voice I heard when I blacked out...that it was her daughter who, even in death, made everything seem like it'd be alright.

Nicole was a special person. I knew that the moment I laid eyes on her 11 years ago. Seeing her smile was like the sun on my heart. Some how I have the feeling that I will get the same sensation when I meet Cathy in a couple of hours. And that makes my heart smile. Maybe not as bright as when I first met Nicole, but I am sure I will smile just the same.

I am going to try to get a little bit of sleep now so I don't look like too much of a zombie when I meet Grant and Cathy tomorrow. Wish me luck...hopefully I won't cry too much.

Familiar places...

I was driving with Jessica and Auntie Mary a couple of months ago. We had to drop off some documents at West Valley Community Services. As I walked out of the building, I immediately felt a sense of deja vu. I got into the car and we drove out of the parking lot. I started to feel anxious and I could not for the life of me understand why.

Then it hits me like a ton of bricks when we're sitting at the light waiting to turn why I'm suddenly feeling so anxious and overwhelmed...why I was felt as if I was about to vomit...why I suddenly had tears in my eyes and why I felt like my head was going to explode. I looked to the left and saw a fire station. Erik built it over 10 years ago. He used to bring me work with him. Then after work, we'd go across the street to Chili's for cocktails and dinner. This was where I first met Nicole Miller and it is also the last place I saw her before September 11, 2001.

For the past few months, I have been thinking about Nicole and what kind of person she was. And all I really know is that she was probably, hands down, the only person I have ever met in my life that had such a presence. This might sound lame but when she walked into a room, it lit up. She had an aura about her that was so positive and bubbly it naturally rubbed off on everyone she came in contact with. She was the kind of person that was always happy; therefore she wanted those around her to be too. She was, as I once told my therapist, "sparkly...like a holiday."

Nicole was beautiful and happy and always had a smile for everyone. She was kind and compassionate and somehow seeing her always made the darkest day seem bright. Erik and I could be fighting like crazy yet when we'd walk into Chili's and I'd see her, she made everything feel like it was all going to be okay. I miss that so much. And, to be honest, I could really use that right about now.

In a couple of months, it was be 10 years since I last saw Nicole in the parking lot of Chili's. This year, on September 11th, it will have been ten years since I've heard her laughter...3,555 days since she flashed her movie star smile at me...85, 320 hours since I felt the warmth of her embrace...5,119,200 minutes since that beautiful light was extinguished...307,152,000 seconds that I've missed her. 

There hasn't been a day since September 14, 2001, in which I haven't thought about her. Some days, though, I just miss her so much it hurts. Today is one of those days. I could really use that sparkly like a holiday cheer right about now.

I take comfort knowing I will see you again, my friend. I love you. Until then...Rest in Peace, sweet Nicole.