Because you were in it...

"...and, when he shall die,

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine

That all the world will be in love with night,

And pay no worship to the garish sun."

~William Shakespeare

Ten years ago, I lost my friend Nicole Miller. She was a passenger on United Flight 93 on September 11, 2001. In the ten years since her death, I have thought of her every day. Some people have asked me why I still look at pictures of her or watch anything Flight 93/September 11 related. Some are shocked when I say that I don't want to forget what happened that day. Maybe it's because all they see is me crying because I lost my friend that day. Maybe not.

Though looking at her pictures and watching random videos may make me cry and miss her, the upside (for want of a better word) is that I know in my heart how fortunate I was to have known her at all. Her life, short as it may have been, was a blessing to me. For some unknown reason, in God's plan for me, he chose to cross her path with mine. And what a gift that has turned out to be!!!

Last night after I watched the following video online, I was given another gift.

For the first time in ten years, I was able to hear something I had thought I'd never hear again in this lifetime. It was the sound of her voice. I was able to close my eyes and for a few seconds, it's almost as if she was here with me in the same room. The only thing missing is not being able to open my eyes and see her "sparkly like a holiday" smile that always made everything seem like it was going to be okay. God knows I wish I could see it right about now.

As I've said many times before, time doesn't really heal all wounds. It doesn't make the pain any less painful with each passing day. All time has done is showed me a million different ways to hide it and not let anyone see how much it still hurts me.

The pain that was caused by the events of that fateful morning will never give me any "closure" and I'm not sure I want it to. Closure is an end to something. It means something finally ending. Though Nicole's life on earth ended ten years ago, I wouldn't do her justice to just stop thinking about her. Part of that is how she lived but also how she died.

I think in order to appreciate the good things in life, you've got to go through bad things. I've learned that both will help you appreciate life and the people in it.

A few days ago I watched an old episode of Dateline titled "No Greater Love". It was about the passengers and crew of Flight 93. Towards the end, Nicole's boyfriend Ryan said something in her eulogy that I think about often. He said, "I am not sure that I've learned anything in the last 11 days but what I do know is that my life...our lives...were better because she was in it."

Nicole Carol Miller

Sunrise

March 4, 1980

Sunset

September 11, 2001

Yes, Ryan. Our lives were much better because she was in it. I miss you, Nicole...more than anyone could possibly know.