NICOLE CAROL MILLER
March 4, 1980 - September 11, 2001

 

"You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

 - David Harkins

Familiar places...

I was driving with Jessica and Auntie Mary a couple of months ago. We had to drop off some documents at West Valley Community Services. As I walked out of the building, I immediately felt a sense of deja vu. I got into the car and we drove out of the parking lot. I started to feel anxious and I could not for the life of me understand why.

Then it hits me like a ton of bricks when we're sitting at the light waiting to turn why I'm suddenly feeling so anxious and overwhelmed...why I was felt as if I was about to vomit...why I suddenly had tears in my eyes and why I felt like my head was going to explode. I looked to the left and saw a fire station. Erik built it over 10 years ago. He used to bring me work with him. Then after work, we'd go across the street to Chili's for cocktails and dinner. This was where I first met Nicole Miller and it is also the last place I saw her before September 11, 2001.

For the past few months, I have been thinking about Nicole and what kind of person she was. And all I really know is that she was probably, hands down, the only person I have ever met in my life that had such a presence. This might sound lame but when she walked into a room, it lit up. She had an aura about her that was so positive and bubbly it naturally rubbed off on everyone she came in contact with. She was the kind of person that was always happy; therefore she wanted those around her to be too. She was, as I once told my therapist, "sparkly...like a holiday."

Nicole was beautiful and happy and always had a smile for everyone. She was kind and compassionate and somehow seeing her always made the darkest day seem bright. Erik and I could be fighting like crazy yet when we'd walk into Chili's and I'd see her, she made everything feel like it was all going to be okay. I miss that so much. And, to be honest, I could really use that right about now.

In a couple of months, it was be 10 years since I last saw Nicole in the parking lot of Chili's. This year, on September 11th, it will have been ten years since I've heard her laughter...3,555 days since she flashed her movie star smile at me...85, 320 hours since I felt the warmth of her embrace...5,119,200 minutes since that beautiful light was extinguished...307,152,000 seconds that I've missed her. 

There hasn't been a day since September 14, 2001, in which I haven't thought about her. Some days, though, I just miss her so much it hurts. Today is one of those days. I could really use that sparkly like a holiday cheer right about now.

I take comfort knowing I will see you again, my friend. I love you. Until then...Rest in Peace, sweet Nicole.  

Justice for Nicole

I thought I would find some sort of comfort when this day came. That I would feel some sort of relief when the person responsible for Nicole's death, as well as the deaths of almost 3,000 others, on September 11 was brought to justice. Now that this day has arrived, I feel like I have been waiting in vain.


I don't feel comforted by his death. The empty feeling in my chest is still there. It hasn't diminished in size; in fact, it might even be a little bigger. Or maybe it just feels that way because the scab has been ripped off the wound once again...and it hurts just as much (maybe even a little more) than it did almost 10 years ago. At least I think it does.

In the first three days after September 11, the events of that Tuesday morning were surreal to me. I remember thinking Good thing I live on the west coast...this couldn't possibly affect me in the slightest... I had 72 hours to watch it like millions of others, as if I was watching a movie, totally and completely unaffected by all of it. Then came September 14. That was the day my life changed. That was the day I learned that Nicole was a passenger on United Flight 93. That day my life changed forever and it will never be the same. I have Osama bin Laden to thank for it.

Tonight, at around 8:45 pm, I received an instant message from a fb friend named Grant. He said "Did you hear?" Then a few seconds later "Bin Laden is dead...they got him...turn on CNN." Today is May 1, 2011. It is almost ten years later.

Though I have waited for this day for a long time. I had thought I would find some comfort in his capture. I had thought I'd feel some sort of relief by his death. I had thought that when this day came I'd be jumping for joy. But the truth of the matter is I'm not dancing in the streets and I've felt nothing except anxious. Anxious because they aren't going to go away quietly and I'd bet a million dollars that they're already grooming someone to take his place. As much as I hate to say it, I'm anxious because I am anticipating their next move.

Am I glad he was found? Yes. Am I happy he's dead? Not really. I'd rather he'd been taken alive. Am I going to cheer in the streets and dance around because he is dead? No. Some people have asked me "Why not?" If I did, then I'd be no different than the Palestinians danced in the street and passed out candy after the 9/11 attacks. I am better than that...most of the time, that is. I won't lie; there have been many times since 9/11 that I wished OBL to be drawn and quartered. Or something equally as gruesome and painful. But try as I might to hate the way he hated, I can't. The closest I can get to that is the part of me that is happy he is no longer breathing. This is the same part of me that thinks the world is a better place because he is no longer a part of it. Do I think the world is a safer place now that he's gone? No. What scares me the most is that it seems to me that a lot of Americans think his death means GAME OVER. And it's not. Not by a long shot.

I've come to the conclusion that maybe this is why this day hasn't brought me any comfort or any relief. Nothing really has changed. The death of Osama bin Laden will not bring any of the nearly 3,000 people back that were killed that day. My beautiful friend, Nicole Miller, will never again walk into a room and make everything seem okay with her million dollar smile. I will never hear her laughter again...never hear that sound again in this lifetime.

NICOLE C. MILLER
Sunrise
March 4, 1980
Sunset
September 11, 2001


People say that time heals all wounds. Once again, I say they are full of shit. It's been almost a decade and time hasn't healed a damn thing. And neither has the death of OBL. I don't think I'll ever find any relief and I have the sinking suspicion that it is because I don't ever think anything will ever bring justice as far as Nicole and 9/11 are concerned.

At least not for me.