Memorial Day Weekend 2011

I wrote this two years ago:

"I just wanted to take a couple of minutes today to remember those who have fought for and defended this great nation. I also wanted to thank those who are doing so today. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel for their sacrifice. They are fighting for our freedom and our rights. It's a shame that they are not given the accolades they deserve.

They are deployed so that my sons won't get drafted.
They're away from their loved ones so that I can enjoy everyday with mine.
They count the days til they come home while I count down the days to my next vacation.
They sacrifice so much and the best I can give them is a thank you.

I just wanted everyone to know that I do not take their sacrifice lightly. I am proud of each and everyone who has served and is serving in our military. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless our Troops and the United States of America."

This year I have done much reflecting especially since May 1 when President Obama announced that the United States had found & killed Osama bin Laden. I think back over the past 10 years and my heart is heavy. I hope that everyone who is celebrating Memorial Day this year understands exactly what this day means...and that they honor those men & women who have fought for and defended this great nation.

Thank you all for making the ultimate sacrifice in service of our country...God bless our Troops and God bless America.

I saw this quote tonight and it reminded me of someone I know...

"You make me understand how wonderful it is for little lizards when they find that one special rock that's perfect for sunning themselves on. You make me lizard-happy."

More Things I Hated About Him

Well yesterday I wrote 10 Things I Hated About Him. When I got to #10, I realized that I have a lot more reasons than just ten. I thought I'd get them out since it's been bothering me all night.

11. I hated the way he treated Christian. It made me sick that he could be so mean to one of my boys but treat the other one so well. It was disgusting.

12. I hated when I was 3 months pregnant with Robbie and he yelled at me "I hate you and that fucking baby inside of you! I wish you'd both just die!" That hurt more than any beating he ever gave me.

13. I hated it when I was in rehab after Jack was born and his mom told our 5 year old that I was there because "you smoked drugs when Johnny was in your tummy, Momma." I hate that he let her tell our child that but I hate it more that he didn't own up to his part in it - that he was the one sitting next to me, supplying it and smoking right next to me.

14. I hated that he wouldn't let me have friends and that he isolated me from my family too. He drove everyone away and had me believing that he was the only one who cared for me.

15. I hated that he got my best friend pregnant then wouldn't help her. I hate that on the day of her abortion he wouldn't answer her phone calls. I hate that he was so cold and uncaring about what she was going through.

16. I hated when he was in jail for a year and I had to go on welfare. He had money in the bank and when I told him I needed diapers and formula for Junior, he told me that the didn't have the money for that because he had the boat payment and boat insurance to pay for...a boat we only took out once (maybe twice) during the whole 9 years we were together.

17. I hated when he'd pick fights with me before he would fall out for 3 days at a time. He would push or slap me around and leave bruises on my body. His mom would take me home as soon as he was sound asleep. When he woke up, he'd call me and yell at me for being gone. I would tell him that I didn't have a choice but go home. When he'd pick me up and take me back, he'd see the bruises and accuse me of fucking someone else because he sure as fuck didn't put them there.

18. I hated when he got my engagement ring for me it was only because his mom's birthday was the day after mine so we went to the jeweler's to buy her a watch. After he picked it out, he told he lady behind the counter "I need to see engagement rings...lemme see that one. I just need to get her something to shut her the fuck up." I was so embarrassed and he was pissed because I told him to forget it.

19. I hated that I would ask him to buy diapers and/or formula for the boys and he'd tell me he wasn't going to. When I'd ask him why, he'd say "I'm not going to do it just because you said I have to." I'd tell him "It's not for me. This isn't about me. It's about the kids." And he wouldn't do it.

20. I hated when I asked him...not wait...I begged him to please come get me because I needed help to stop smoking meth. He said "No. You'll be okay" and didn't take me seriously. I hate that he didn't care enough to come get me when I reached out to him.

21. I hated him for allowing the kids to call Michelle "Mom" and not understanding why it upset me.

I think that's all for today because I'm completely exhausted - again - from this. Of course I'm sure that I'll think of about ten more as soon as I post this blog.

10 Things I Loved About Him

So the flip side of yesterday's 10 Things I Hated About Him is (obviously) going to be 10 Things I Loved About Him. I'm not sure if I can muster up 10 things but I will try. You never know, it might end up being like yesterday when these things kept popping up. Maybe I loved him more that I hated him. Ready...set...go!!!

1. I loved how confident he was when he was working...getting paid to bark orders at others, not in a control freak sort of way, but because he was extremely good at his job and he knew what he was doing. He never second guessed himself and he exuded confidence.

2. I loved his arms. They weren't too big, they weren't too small but just right. They were the hands of a hard working man. Big strong hands that made me feel HELD and safe and secure. I loved the way golden hairs on his forearms glistened in the sun.

3. I loved when he took me, Christian and Cody to the Claremont Hotel for a week in Berkeley after Cody's surgery. We stayed in the Tower Suite and he fed me strawberries and cream in the middle of the night. We didn't fight and actually liked each other still.

4. I loved the way he looked at me when I was pregnant with Robbie. And I mean REALLY pregnant. During my first two pregnancies, I felt bloated and fat and didn't want anyone to touch me. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He'd kiss my belly and tell me "That's you and me in there, Linda. That's our baby."

5. I loved it when put his head on my chest and ask me to run my fingers through his hair. "Sing me the Memphis song, babe." He would always drift off by the end of the song.

6. I loved the way he looked after he was out in the garage welding something. And I loved the way his skin would smell and how it drove me absolutely out of my mind.

7. I loved the sound of his heartbeat and the warmth of his body when I put my head on his chest. It was like music to my ears and the warmest blanket on earth.

8. I loved the scent of his hair. I could bury my nose in his hair and get lost. Oh and the way his skin smelled. No cologne, nothing...just skin. God I loved that smell.

9. I loved how absolutely amazed he was watched as I gave birth to Erik Junior. He told everyone how strong I was and how my little body was amazing. He was awestruck by the whole thing.

10. I love that I find it difficult to remember the things I loved about him. It helps when I think I miss him and our time together.

This list was hard to write because I really can't remember why I loved him the way I did. But I think maybe that might be a good thing. Like I said in #10, it'll help when I miss him.

Because I could go on and on (and I probably will later) about the things I hate/d about him. And that's sad. Especially since this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with...the man I had four children with...the man I kissed, hugged, cared for, cooked for, shared my most intimate moments with.

10 Things I Hated About Him

Even though I am in the middle of a chores, I decided to take a break and do this 10 Things I hated About Him that I found on a blog I subscribe to. I'm almost totally 100% sure I will be a mess by the time I am done with this but maybe not. [[deep breath]] Ready...set...go!!!

1. I hated when I was having a miscarriage and asked you to come to the hospital. You got off work early but instead of supporting me, you went waterskiing with your boss Ricky and turned off the cell phone.

2. I hated the way you'd let your mom tell everyone how horrible I was. Especially when she'd say things that weren't true (and you knew they weren't) yet you'd stand there and let her.

3. I hated the way you accused me of screwing anyone and everyone that came in contact with me. Didn't matter if it was a stranger, a family member, my best friend or anyone you were fixated on that day...I had to be screwing them.

4. I hate the way you pretended you had no money in the beginning and I paid for everything...only to find out months later that you had a grip of money in the bank and a pocketful of credit cards.

5. I hated the way you beat me like a man for hours when we didn't go to your Christmas party. We were supposed to meet your parents in Oakland to catch the ferry but we didn't make it because I didn't have a pair of heels. You told me to wear a pair of your mother's shoes. I said they won't fit. You punched me in the arm and made me get out of the truck at Lake Elizabeth. You drove off only to return a few minutes later. On the drive home you told me "We're not going to make it and it's your fucking fault. It's almost 2 and I figure my parents won't be back til around 11 or midnight. I'm gonna smoke that coke I've got then I'm gonna fuck you up. What the fuck am I supposed to tell them? You should've just wore my mom's fucking shoes, for Christ's sake!" and when I said I wanted to go home to my gramma's he told me "The only place you're going is straight inside and I'm gonna beat the fuck outta you." And you did. I hated that you smoked crack, then proceeded to beat the crap outta me and smashed my ring finger so bad my nailbed is forever fucked off.

6. I hated the way you broke my face so bad I couldn't leave the house for over 6 weeks. You knocked out my 2 front teeth and smashed my face with your elbow so hard that one of my teeth was embedded in it. You grabbed a handful of my hair and yelled "Fucking bitch! Look what you did to my elbow!" I hated that it took you 30 seconds before you saw what you did to my face and I hated it even more when you said you wouldn't take me to the hospital because you'd go to prison. And I hated that I looked like a monster and my kids cried because they were scared and all you were worried about was yourself. By the way, Hunter was barely 2 weeks old when this happened. God I really hated you for that.

7. I hated the way you didn't do anything when I had the abortion two days before you got arrested for domestic violence. It was a two day procedure and you didn't take me to the clinic nor would you watch Junior. On the day of the procedure, you got spun out of your mind and still didn't help or take care of me.

8. I hated the way years later (when you were half-assed with me & Michelle at the same time) when she had her breasts augmented, you called to tell me you couldn't come get me for a day or two. When I asked why you told me because you had to take care of her because she had her tits done. I hated that you couldn't understand why I was upset.

9. I hated how you called me one night from Rocklin (where you were living with Michelle but hadn't told me yet) and said you were on your way to come get me. I told you to wait because you were drunk. You showed up 2 hours later and spent 4 days with me. On the last day, we were parked in my neighbors driveway and we had sex in the back of Michelle's car. You hadn't even rolled off of me yet when you told me you were thinking about marrying her. Then you said "I can't do this...will you go with me to Rocklin so I can give her the car and get my truck and tell her that I love you and want to marry you. We can go to Reno and get married after we get my truck." I said yes and then you tell me "No. You'll be mean to her. Let me take her the truck and I'll back to get you later today." I told you "No you won't. If you don't take me now, you'll never marry me. I'm never going to see you again." You said yes you would and you'd be right back. I never saw you again. It's been over 5 years. And I hate you for that.

10. I hate the times you'd beat me within an inch of my life. Beat me like a man and choke me until my fingertips felt numb and I pissed myself and woke up on the opposite said of the house. I hated the way you wanted to have sex but wouldn't let me shower and got mad at me because I was crying. I hated that you didn't let me and still made me do it anyway.

I could probably go on and on and on. Maybe someday in the future I will continue but for now, this is enough. The thing that really gets me about making this list is how in the hell did I get out of it alive? And why did I stay with this monster for almost 9 years?

Three days in September...

There are three days in September that I keep tucked away. Three days extra with someone that was taken from me. I wish I could get them back though I don't know what difference those three days would make in the long run.


On September 11th, 2001, at 8:45 a.m., the first of two airlines struck the World Trade Center in New York, in the first of a series of coordinated terrorist attacks on the United States. At 9:03, a second plane crashed into a second World Trade Center tower, and exploded. Hundreds of New York City and Port Authority rescue personnel rushed to the scene.

At 9:43 a.m., a third passenger plane crashed into the Pentagon.

At 10:03 a.m., a fourth passenger jet crashed in western Pennsylvania.

At 10:05, the south tower of the World Trade Center collapses, plummeting into the streets below. A massive cloud of dust and debris forms and slowly drifts away from the building.

At 10:28, The World Trade Center's north tower collapses from the top down, releasing a tremendous cloud of debris and smoke.

Over the course of the next three days, I watched in horror with the rest of the world. The images I saw would forever be seared into my memory. I watched as one Missing Person poster turned into five turned into a hundred then into thousands. I watched people wander through the dust and debris looking for their loved ones. I recall feeling like I needed to do something. But not knowing what to do. On the third day, September 14, 2001, my world forever changed.


That was the day I found out someone I knew was one of the innocent victims lost on September 11. That was one of those three days in September that I lost and can never get back again. Three days that I was in suspended animation...where everything was surreal...and Nicole was still very much alive.

I sometimes try to go back to those three days and wonder if I even thought about her. I did not know she was on vacation with Ryan. I did not know she wasn't in California. Though I am almost certain I didn't think of her until John came and broke the news to me on the 14th, I still go back to those three days often. Because for 72 hours, she was still alive as far as I was concerned. That gives me 3 more days with her. At least when I miss her I can pretend it does. And that's all I really want...just a little more time with her.

Justice for Nicole

I thought I would find some sort of comfort when this day came. That I would feel some sort of relief when the person responsible for Nicole's death, as well as the deaths of almost 3,000 others, on September 11 was brought to justice. Now that this day has arrived, I feel like I have been waiting in vain.


I don't feel comforted by his death. The empty feeling in my chest is still there. It hasn't diminished in size; in fact, it might even be a little bigger. Or maybe it just feels that way because the scab has been ripped off the wound once again...and it hurts just as much (maybe even a little more) than it did almost 10 years ago. At least I think it does.

In the first three days after September 11, the events of that Tuesday morning were surreal to me. I remember thinking Good thing I live on the west coast...this couldn't possibly affect me in the slightest... I had 72 hours to watch it like millions of others, as if I was watching a movie, totally and completely unaffected by all of it. Then came September 14. That was the day my life changed. That was the day I learned that Nicole was a passenger on United Flight 93. That day my life changed forever and it will never be the same. I have Osama bin Laden to thank for it.

Tonight, at around 8:45 pm, I received an instant message from a fb friend named Grant. He said "Did you hear?" Then a few seconds later "Bin Laden is dead...they got him...turn on CNN." Today is May 1, 2011. It is almost ten years later.

Though I have waited for this day for a long time. I had thought I would find some comfort in his capture. I had thought I'd feel some sort of relief by his death. I had thought that when this day came I'd be jumping for joy. But the truth of the matter is I'm not dancing in the streets and I've felt nothing except anxious. Anxious because they aren't going to go away quietly and I'd bet a million dollars that they're already grooming someone to take his place. As much as I hate to say it, I'm anxious because I am anticipating their next move.

Am I glad he was found? Yes. Am I happy he's dead? Not really. I'd rather he'd been taken alive. Am I going to cheer in the streets and dance around because he is dead? No. Some people have asked me "Why not?" If I did, then I'd be no different than the Palestinians danced in the street and passed out candy after the 9/11 attacks. I am better than that...most of the time, that is. I won't lie; there have been many times since 9/11 that I wished OBL to be drawn and quartered. Or something equally as gruesome and painful. But try as I might to hate the way he hated, I can't. The closest I can get to that is the part of me that is happy he is no longer breathing. This is the same part of me that thinks the world is a better place because he is no longer a part of it. Do I think the world is a safer place now that he's gone? No. What scares me the most is that it seems to me that a lot of Americans think his death means GAME OVER. And it's not. Not by a long shot.

I've come to the conclusion that maybe this is why this day hasn't brought me any comfort or any relief. Nothing really has changed. The death of Osama bin Laden will not bring any of the nearly 3,000 people back that were killed that day. My beautiful friend, Nicole Miller, will never again walk into a room and make everything seem okay with her million dollar smile. I will never hear her laughter again...never hear that sound again in this lifetime.

NICOLE C. MILLER
Sunrise
March 4, 1980
Sunset
September 11, 2001


People say that time heals all wounds. Once again, I say they are full of shit. It's been almost a decade and time hasn't healed a damn thing. And neither has the death of OBL. I don't think I'll ever find any relief and I have the sinking suspicion that it is because I don't ever think anything will ever bring justice as far as Nicole and 9/11 are concerned.

At least not for me.