I am 41 years old. My parents divorced when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I don't really have any memories of them actually being married except for the ones I'd rather forget - the sound of someone being hit, sitting on the counter while my mom burned little pieces of paper on the stove and cried (found out later they were phone numbers), driving at night and playing by the light of the instrument panel of my mom's VW bug as we drove through the desert to my Aunt Emma's house in Phoenix. Needless to say, my dad was not around much after we left.
After we left him for good, he found God. I can recall telling my mom that he was different, he had changed. If she would just give him a chance to prove it to her. But she stood her ground. She would not take him back. I can count on one hand the number of times my dad came around after they divorced. I honestly don't think he has never been in my life for longer than a couple months at a time...and that's a kind estimate.
When I was 14, he married my stepmother Maribel. A year or two later, my stepbrother Sal came from El Salvador to live with them. My dad basically raised Sal. Treated him better than he ever treated me. There was nothing he wouldn't do for Sal...nothing. Was I hurt or angry? Yes. But not at Sal. At my dad. See he could never be a good dad to me but he was the best father to my brother. And that hurt...I was his flesh and blood but he didn't really give a shit about me.
Obviously, I have a lot of resentment towards my dad.
When I was 33 years old, I had to go into a residential drug/alcohol program. Part of my recovery, was cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically I had to relive the past...write about it...tell the people in my life (Erik, my parents, gramma, the ex in-laws) what they had done to me by writing them letters then reading them out loud in group.
I had to write an anger letter to my dad as well as a forgiveness letter. I wrote them both. Although he asked me if he could read them, I never let him see either of them. But writing them helped me a great deal. It was weird but before I was given those assignments, he had called on my phone night and asked me if I was with Erik to get back at him. I remember thinking WOW he's tripping hard. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. I thought he was off his rocker. But later that night, I realized something. Erik was a lot like my dad. And while I may not have done it intentionally, my subconscious had picked someone exactly like my dad used to be. The thought made me feel sick to my stomach. Especially since I also realized that I was doing all the same things that my mom done...things I swore I would never do. Take for instance the way I always felt like my mom chose her boyfriends/husbands over me. I did the same thing. Except worse. My mom did her best but of course I didn't realize that until I had children of my own. I was far worse. In fact, I was so fucked off because of Erik that my world revolved around him...only him. And my children suffered because of it.
But this isn't about me though I'm sure I'll end up blogging about that at some point in the future. So back to my dad, we have pretty much been estranged for more than two thirds of my life. Probably more. Until about a year ago, I hadn't spoke to him since 2004. Over the last few months, there have been a couple of times that he's sent me messages or ims about pictures I've got posted on my facebook page. That I need to take them down and not post certain things. Take, for instance, the im I received tonight. He went off on me because I left a comment on Shelly's page in re: to a status update in which she mentioned Robert Downey Junior. I wrote "Julian gives good head". Here is what he said to me: "Norma do you have to use language like "Julian gives good head" have you forgotten you have kids , brothers and a father that may be embarrassed that people are reading this and that it is coming from someone they love? Please try to stop . I'm really disappointed with the way you are expressing yourself." I was thinking WTF?! What business is it of his what I write to Shelly. I wrote back "It's a line that was in a movie." RDJ played Julian in Less Than Zero. One of my favorite movies. As a matter of fact, I'd just watched it with Scott and Jessica last week. But who gives a shit? I mean really...I am an adult and I can write whatever I want to whomever I choose.
While I can understand where he's coming from, I am a bit put off. Where was he when I was growing up? That's when I was becoming the person I am today. I've always been outspoken...maybe because he wasn't there. I do things the way I want to. A few months back, when he first scolded me for something I posted, I took down a few things.
In doing so, I wasn't being me. Yes, I've got kids and a dad and two brothers. But I am who I am. My kids know me. They are not embarrassed by me or what I write. And even if they are, they love me anyway. But besides all that, my facebook is setup in a way that prohibits them from seeing certain adult type things on my page. But even if they could see all my stuff, I wouldn't change or take down anything anyways. Why should I stop being me? Because my dad doesn't like how I turned out?
I am not going to stop being me because all of a sudden my dad wants to be one. Because, as he put it, he is "really disappointed" with me. HA! I'm sorry to hear that. I don't think he wants to get me started about being disappointed. Because to be honest, I really don't think he's going to like what I have to say.
I don't think I'm wrong. I listened to what he had to say and I'm sorry he's disappointed. However, all I have to say about that is this:
If you don't like it, don't read it. It's that simple.
After we left him for good, he found God. I can recall telling my mom that he was different, he had changed. If she would just give him a chance to prove it to her. But she stood her ground. She would not take him back. I can count on one hand the number of times my dad came around after they divorced. I honestly don't think he has never been in my life for longer than a couple months at a time...and that's a kind estimate.
When I was 14, he married my stepmother Maribel. A year or two later, my stepbrother Sal came from El Salvador to live with them. My dad basically raised Sal. Treated him better than he ever treated me. There was nothing he wouldn't do for Sal...nothing. Was I hurt or angry? Yes. But not at Sal. At my dad. See he could never be a good dad to me but he was the best father to my brother. And that hurt...I was his flesh and blood but he didn't really give a shit about me.
Obviously, I have a lot of resentment towards my dad.
When I was 33 years old, I had to go into a residential drug/alcohol program. Part of my recovery, was cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically I had to relive the past...write about it...tell the people in my life (Erik, my parents, gramma, the ex in-laws) what they had done to me by writing them letters then reading them out loud in group.
I had to write an anger letter to my dad as well as a forgiveness letter. I wrote them both. Although he asked me if he could read them, I never let him see either of them. But writing them helped me a great deal. It was weird but before I was given those assignments, he had called on my phone night and asked me if I was with Erik to get back at him. I remember thinking WOW he's tripping hard. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. I thought he was off his rocker. But later that night, I realized something. Erik was a lot like my dad. And while I may not have done it intentionally, my subconscious had picked someone exactly like my dad used to be. The thought made me feel sick to my stomach. Especially since I also realized that I was doing all the same things that my mom done...things I swore I would never do. Take for instance the way I always felt like my mom chose her boyfriends/husbands over me. I did the same thing. Except worse. My mom did her best but of course I didn't realize that until I had children of my own. I was far worse. In fact, I was so fucked off because of Erik that my world revolved around him...only him. And my children suffered because of it.
But this isn't about me though I'm sure I'll end up blogging about that at some point in the future. So back to my dad, we have pretty much been estranged for more than two thirds of my life. Probably more. Until about a year ago, I hadn't spoke to him since 2004. Over the last few months, there have been a couple of times that he's sent me messages or ims about pictures I've got posted on my facebook page. That I need to take them down and not post certain things. Take, for instance, the im I received tonight. He went off on me because I left a comment on Shelly's page in re: to a status update in which she mentioned Robert Downey Junior. I wrote "Julian gives good head". Here is what he said to me: "Norma do you have to use language like "Julian gives good head" have you forgotten you have kids , brothers and a father that may be embarrassed that people are reading this and that it is coming from someone they love? Please try to stop . I'm really disappointed with the way you are expressing yourself." I was thinking WTF?! What business is it of his what I write to Shelly. I wrote back "It's a line that was in a movie." RDJ played Julian in Less Than Zero. One of my favorite movies. As a matter of fact, I'd just watched it with Scott and Jessica last week. But who gives a shit? I mean really...I am an adult and I can write whatever I want to whomever I choose.
While I can understand where he's coming from, I am a bit put off. Where was he when I was growing up? That's when I was becoming the person I am today. I've always been outspoken...maybe because he wasn't there. I do things the way I want to. A few months back, when he first scolded me for something I posted, I took down a few things.
In doing so, I wasn't being me. Yes, I've got kids and a dad and two brothers. But I am who I am. My kids know me. They are not embarrassed by me or what I write. And even if they are, they love me anyway. But besides all that, my facebook is setup in a way that prohibits them from seeing certain adult type things on my page. But even if they could see all my stuff, I wouldn't change or take down anything anyways. Why should I stop being me? Because my dad doesn't like how I turned out?
I am not going to stop being me because all of a sudden my dad wants to be one. Because, as he put it, he is "really disappointed" with me. HA! I'm sorry to hear that. I don't think he wants to get me started about being disappointed. Because to be honest, I really don't think he's going to like what I have to say.
I don't think I'm wrong. I listened to what he had to say and I'm sorry he's disappointed. However, all I have to say about that is this:
If you don't like it, don't read it. It's that simple.
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