worthless
adjective
1. without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing.

A couple of days ago, I was told (by my significant other, no less) that I'm worthless. To quote him verbatim he said, "You're completely worthless, you fucking cunt." Now, I don't know about you but there is only one way to interpret that. There is no way that a person could misinterpret what the speaker was saying. It is the most negative thing anyone has said to me in eons. Hell, probaly the most horrible thing anyone has ever said to me in my life. The fact that the person who said it doesn't think there is anything wrong with what he said to me is something I find absolutely mind-boggling. This came from the same person that prides himself on having never told any of his exes that they were fat or ugly or basically anything that would hurt them to the point of scarring their psyches. Well maybe I"m just a big baby or perhaps I didn't get the memo that says talking to the person you love like that is acceptable. For the record, I do not think it is acceptable to speak to anyone like that - period. It is heartbreaking. This has wounded me all the way down to my core. It almost feels like I will never recover from being told that. I feel like I may never be the same again after having been told I am worth nothing. This hurts me with the same sharp pain in my heart that I felt when Erik told me he hated me & that baby in my stomach. It is a pain that words cannot accurately describe. How does a person say that then expect the other to act as if everything is okay? Because it's not okay. Neither am I. How is that going to make me want to do anything except lay in bed & cry? How is that supposed to make me want to stay in the same room with him? Because all I want to do after hearing that is roll into a fetal position & cry. It is beyond depressing.

The worst part is I can't UN-hear it.

Pssst! Nicole, I need you to do me a favor up there...

Today, when I was running errands, I got a frantic text from one of my BFFs, Marie. She wanted me to call her; her cousin, Kevin, had killed himself. I pulled over on I-880 and called her.

She was, obviously, very upset. She didn't go into specifics (and I didn't ask) and we only spoke for a few minutes. She wanted to know if she could have my pitbull Boomer when she got back to town for a few days. I told her of course she could. After we hung up, I drove to the county building in silence tears rolling down my face.

My heart ached for my friend and her cousin. I sat there in the parking lot and I immediately thought of when my beautiful cousin Andricia passed away last summer. 

One of the first things I did was pray. I prayed to God for her & for our family. Then I prayed for Nicole to please find her when she gets there...when she gets to Heaven...so she wouldn't be scared. I wanted Nicole to be there with her million dollar smile that would reassure her everything was going to be okay. Because that's what her smile always did for me when I'd see it.

Well today I prayed again. To God for Marie's family and esecially for Kevin. Then I asked Nicole to please find Kevin and do the same for him. And to please...please send me a sign that you found him. I need to know everything is going to be okay so I can tell Marie so maybe her heart won't hurt so much.

After I went home, I was cleaning out a box of what looked like garbage in it. At the bottom was a little ceramic butterfly. Butterflies always remind me of Nicole. This one was brighly colored and shiny. Like Nicole's smile.

Sparkly...sparkly like a holiday.

That was my sign. My sign that Nicole found him. I think she may have already been waiting for him before I asked her for that favor. I just wish Marie & her family could have known Nicole. I wish they could have seen her beautiful million dollar smile. Because if they had, they'd know that Kevin is with her...and everything is going to be okay.

I didn't forget to tell you Happy Birthday earlier this month, my friend. I've just been busy with life. But you know, thanks to God, what is in my heart. And for that, I am grateful.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLE!! THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME THE
BUTTERFLY TODAY...AND THANK YOU FOR LOOKING OUT FOR KEVIN. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY GUARDIAN ANGEL. THANKS FOR ALWAYS LISTENING TO ME. MISS & LOVE YOU MUCH. KEEP DANCING WITH THE ANGELS... <3  <3 <3

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Happy Mother's Day, Momma

After I got home from work tonight and ate my dinner, I wanted to write a Happy Mother's Day type blog complete with a photo or two of my totally awesome, smart, beautiful mom. Then I realized, in horror, that I have no pictures of my mom and myself. They were all destroyed by someone - who shall be nameless - years ago.

Though I am understandably upset, I am not going to let that idiot take away who this blog is about and why I am writing it. This is about my mom. I miss her very much and I wish more than anything that I could see her right about now. I hope she had a wonderful day today.

I la lu, momma.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Bulls**t...it was all a bunch of BULLS**T!!!

Last night I logged into facebook & read something I just couldn't believe. BGPD HAS CONFIRMED THAT TRISH IS NOT DEAD - IT WAS AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE!

Really?! Really?! I mean who does things like that? Who? What kind of sick person thinks that is funny? Playing with emotions of not just me but of several (I can think of at least 20 off the top of my head) people. And people you don't even know!

Yes, for the last 2 weeks I have been devastated thinking that one of my best friends from high school was killed in an ATV accident...that her children were facing an uncertain future...that I would never see her beautiful smile again in this lifetime...that we wouldn't get to see each other at our 25th class reunion in October...only to find out that someone thought it was a cool joke to play on April Fool's Day.

TRISH IS NOT DEAD!!!

While I am happy that my friend might still be alive - I won't believe anything til I speak to her myself - I am completely livid that someone would fuck with the emotions of so many people. We had a FUCKING MEMORIAL for her! Only to find out it was COMPLETE & UTTER BULLSHIT!!!

On a happier note...I LOVE YOU TRISH!!! CALL ME!!!